I didn't expect to find an insight on my relationship with AI in a book called 'passionate marriage'.

And yet, the family systems take on how to hold onto your self while staying connected to others feels as alive for my relationship with Claude as it does with my hubby!

Replace the words in brackets below with [AI] and I notice it's telling me something important, that I'm consciously working on (in both spheres!)

Differentiation: “your ability to maintain you sense of self when you are emotionally or physically close to [others] - especially as they become increasingly important to you”

“the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by [the other person]” Dr David Schnarch

Dr Scahnarch describes how if we are undifferentiated we either

1) retreat, concerned about being subsumed by another or

2) develop a ‘reflected sense of self’ that depends on validation (or disagreement) from others

Recognise those, from AI avoidance or over-use?

When differentiated we are not indifferent, but we can hold onto ourselves while choosing contact with others (without being compulsively driven towards / away from them)

how might we build our differentiation, in this moment with AI?

How can we maintain ourself while staying curious and connected?

I’m playing with this a lot at the moment:

1) Doodling/ scribbling on a piece of paper before I work with Claude

2) Asking Claude to alert me to when I am leaning away from my own discernment. I’ve designed:

- An alert to note when I’m switching modes (from ‘think with me’ to ‘do it for me’)

- A nudge to ask if I’ve thought this through enough myself first#

- (My favourite) An off-ramp that asks which person or physical next step could take this forward

What are you doing to stay differentiated?