BREAKING:

Anthropic is reportedly merging with Purple, Ford, and Home Depot to launch Claude AlphaBed F-150 Contractor Pro.

The new model will offer frontier reasoning, adjustable lumbar support, 14,000 pounds of towing capacity, and same-day delivery on mulch.

Sources say this may be the last model humanity ever needs. Sam Altman has posted “wow.”

Microsoft is reportedly offering its own version, with 16,000 pounds of towing capacity and unlimited delivery on all items under four dollars. The new package is called UltraMega Cadabra Abracadabra.

Anthropic had no comment, other than to clarify that its towing capacity is exponential and that it also offers “reasonable abracadabra.”

Sources say Musk is hard at work on a rival version that will eclipse Abracadabra with what he has informally called “Abra Abracadabra I Want to Reach Out and Grab Ya.”

The new model, dubbed 1.4765714689481684715894x, is said to be one of the most user-friendly models yet. It will apparently debut in a hot air balloon in early July.

China has already released a competitive version that is supposedly higher in towing capacity and works with both queen-size and king-size beds.

Asked for comment, Anthropic’s head of MODEI simply said: “If you want Abra Abracadabra I Want to Reach Out and Grab Ya, then I think it’s safe to say we have the model that performs well under all conditions and in all weather. We also offer not just king-size and queen-size beds, but a loveseat, and our towing capacity is variable depending on our new payment plan. We also are bringing in AGI by Christmas.”

It’s a lot to absorb, you guys, but I’m on the story. I’ll let you know when I get more details.