CENTRING THE WOMAN’s PLEASURE IN FEMDOM

My response to a dominant woman on reddit who wanted to centre her own pleasure but found herself doing full-service service topping for her husband:

Obviously, what's possible depends on your relationship, but - speaking as a sub - I would say that the magic trick for centering your own pleasure is to... (drum roll) centre your own pleasure.

At the moment, it sounds like you are essentially building and maintaining a fun house for your husband, like a bad action movie with lots of sound and light but no internal coherence. That's maybe nice from time-to-time, but not remotely sustainable. Really, he's treating you like a sex worker.

You need to tell him what you've told us, and ask him if he actually wants to submit to you, the person, or whether the truth is that he just likes bottoming.

If it's the latter - bottoming - then it's time to negotiate and trade. You'll do complex effortful things for him, but only if he goes to similar effort for you. It could be as simple as time him earning adventures by getting you off orally. Five of your orgasms earns a pegging.

However, if he wants to actually submit, then it's time for a detox and a reboot.

Specify a time period - maybe until Easter - during which your husband is your slave in the bedroom. Maybe he wears a collar or some other kink gear, and there's some protocol, but otherwise he does what you want and only what you want. This includes him going down on you for as long as you want. His discomfort is a feature not a bug. He'll have to learn to take a masochistic pleasure in the mess. If the beard is a problem, he can shave it. Punishment is real punishment and about standards and performance, not compliance. His orgasm should be an afterthought, mostly his own responsibility, if he gets one (it might be worth exploring male chastity, since him being caged might take the pressure off you).

What he gets out of the above is the thrill of real submission, coupled with a kind of participant voyeurism... finding out what you'd do if you were really in charge. He'll also enjoy a whole load of kinks passively generated by you treating him like a slave; teasing and denial, objectification, humiliation, punishment...

Meanwhile, you have the space to establish a baseline of dominance and maybe discover a sadistic or playful streak coming from you, not him.

Once you've done that, it's time for another conversation.

Marriage is a long game.