Something I’ve been reflecting on lately is how easy it is for us to confuse love with attachment.

This is a topic that two of my favourite writers, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo and Thich Nhat Hanh, have explored extensively.

Sometimes what we call love is actually fear of losing, fear of being alone, fear of not feeling whole. And when fear sits underneath connection, we can start holding on very tightly, believing that tightness is proof of how much we care.

But the more tightly we hold, the more we worry about losing, and the more painful it feels if something changes or ends.

Attachment can sound like: “I love you, so I need you to make me feel okay.”

Love, in a gentler and steadier form, can sound more like: “I love you, so I want you to be happy.”

And if that happiness includes us, that’s beautiful. And if it doesn’t, the care can still remain.

Attachment is like gripping with closed fists, and can involve jealousy or controlling behaviour. Love, by contrast, often feels like holding with open hands, present, nurturing, but allowing life to move and breathe.

Many of us were never really shown this difference, so it makes sense that we equate intensity with care. But sometimes the tightest grip comes from fear of being hurt, rather than depth of love.

Relationships can become really challenging when we hope another person will complete something inside us that we don’t yet feel on our own.

Maybe the gentlest version of connection is when two people meet already carrying some inner grounding, and simply recognise and appreciate that in each other. 🍃