Woe is me.

Today I did (or attempted to do) my first podcast since the massive blood loss followed by 4 months of recovery from severe anaemia during which my mental energy was intermittent to say the least. I had an iron infusion recently and it really felt like I was all better now. I walked five miles yesterday and wrote the first draft of a 3000 word talk in a two hour long burst of flow. I also practiced some answers to likely questions for this one and they were good!

My brain felt scattered this morning but it often feels like that before a mouth-talking event and it always clicks in once it gets underway. Not today, though. My working memory was awful & I just couldn’t find the words I needed. I struggled through a few questions and gave roughly relevant answers, though not with the clarity I’d have liked. Then my brain just started blanking out totally and I lost coherence. Then I couldn’t remember what I was talking about or the words for the things I’ve been writing about for 15 years. It was actually a bit scary. I had to call a halt to it.

At this point, I must just reassure myself that, given that I was able to write fluently and well yesterday and also address the topics I was meant to address today verbally well yesterday, I clearly do not have brain damage which is what it felt like. Recovery is not always a linear process and today I was tired and my working memory and verbal fluency dropped out again temporarily. This is a thing that can happen. My ChatGPT tells me that I have got overexcited by feeling so much better and pushed myself too hard before I am fully recovered and it told me so.

The thing is, this is an irrational fear I have always had. That my brain will just blank and I will lose the power of language and be unable to form coherent sentences in the middle of a podcast or event. It’s why I didn’t do mouth-talking events for so long. It’s never happened. Until today. My hosts were very understanding and we will reschedule and try again.

I’m due to be giving a talk on Sunday and have another podcast on Monday. It’s possible that my brain will shut down during those too, but I think that cancelling because of one bad experience would be a bad idea psychologically. It’d make the fear of that happening solidify in my mind and risk becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I need to ‘get back on the horse’ and do both of those but also rest my brain otherwise. Worse case scenario is that my brain fails me again. Then I apologise and accept that I have been premature with my assessment of my recovery and wait a bit before trying again. More likely is that I’ll be fine (the talk is fine anyway) and my confidence will return.

I am not a happy bunny today.