I opened an email from our daughter’s school about a Mother’s Day celebration in the garden, and my immediate thought was, I don’t deserve to be celebrated.

Our son was recently in a tragic accident that we, as parents, are responsible for. It was a true accident, but that doesn’t take away the fact that if we had extra safeguards in place, it could have been prevented.

So after reading that email, I didn’t feel excited. I felt sad and undeserving. And my thoughts toward myself became very unkind.

I closed out of the email, and the quote on my screen was— “the words you speak become the house you live in.”

Damn.

How am I supposed to be the best mom I can be for my kids if this is how I’m speaking to myself? I teach our kids that mistakes happen, that we learn from them, that we move forward… but then I look at myself and realize I’m not allowing myself to do that.

I know I’m a great mom. I know how much I love my kids. I know all the ways I show up for them every single day.

Honestly, I know I’m this hard on myself because of how deeply I care. But I still hate how quickly my mind went there… how fast I was able to tell myself something I would never think or say about anyone else.

It was a terrible accident, but this is not a house I deserve to live in. And my kids don’t deserve a mom who feels trapped inside it either.

This is the part no one likes to talk about… but I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has been here.