I just read this piece for the third time because… well, it makes me feel incredibly seen. I’m not a professional, but directed an extremely challenging production this summer. “When something you’ve always done, no longer works,” in particular speaks to me. Like you, I kept seeing the problems and understanding them and tried so many different strategies to get it under control. Like you, I was working with previous collaborators with whom I’d had great experiences. Like you, in the end none of those things mattered, because we can only control ourselves and our own give a shit levels. Like you, I had a serious reckoning with my own desire to continue putting myself through it.

I’m auditioning my first show since then today for a company I’ve never worked with. It’s a toe dip back in (educational as opposed to community), but I’m still approaching it with the same energy I’d bring to anything else. I’m nervous about it, and the anxiety of “well if I can’t do this with my friends how can I do it with new people” is gnawing on my brain.

This piece helped a lot. Knowing this type of thing is not just my failure as some schmuck who directs community theatre, but a thing that happens to people who pay their bills with creating and staging shows because nobody can control everything… I appreciate it.