I am not here yet. When my car broke down in 2016, I unexpectedly bought a new one. Soon after, I wished I'd bought a van for this very reason. I imagined having to live with my little dog in my Subaru.

It's all about math and what does and doesn't add up. Precariously. Right now I balance things: Social Security, a smalll stipend from my now-retired husband on the other side of the country, some income from editing and book coaching. SS only covers rent now that my little dog and pet rent are gone.

I'm 80% expecting to adopt a puppy next week, and reading this article makes me realize that expectation comes with the assumption that my three pillars of income will remain intact and just above the level that will allow me to remain adequately housed. Getting a puppy assumes math and stability that are illusory at my age.

A midlife divorce and a lifetime of nonprofit work did not add up to a retirement plan. Now the plan seems just to be luck: will resources hold out as long as my body does?

I have fleetingly imagined how to make curtains stay up in my not-made-for-sleeping Subaru. I'm remembering how a block from a previous apartment, the street was lined with vans and small campers, the occasional car. In the ensuing years it dawned on me to wonder if there'd be room for me if the time came.

In a country of many injustices - housing injustice being one - I remain privileged in this moment. Maybe luck and math will hold out for me. I ache for those for whom it doesn't. Fuck capitalism, truly. And I wonder if that new puppy is a good idea.