Something to think about that came up in my Rhetoric in Real Life class this week. One of the women in the class has recently started seeing someone (whom she met in the wild! ). In most ways things are going really well, with one exception: he sometimes goes days in between dates with zero communication at all, and this is of course anxiety-provoking.

She brought it up with him a couple days ago and said, simply, “The way you sometimes just don’t communicate for days? I don’t like that.” And then she said NOTHING to follow it up, and just went on with the evening/other topics (she said it was SO hard not to come back to it, not to ask him, “Are you okay with what I said about that? Do you want to talk about it?” But she DIDN’T do any of that, and I’m glad she didn’t; she didn’t need to explain herself, and she didn’t need to ask for affirmation).

Also important to note: she said it totally neutrally, as in, “I don’t really like mushrooms.” And then she completely dropped it. In my opinion, this is WAY more effective than saying to someone, “I feel bad when you don’t text me,” or “I need more interaction from you,” or “I expect you to text me at least once per day.” The reasons for this are complex (rhetorical stuff we focus on in the course), but I think the strategy she used is worth considering if you’re in a similar situation. This is a new relationship, so we’ll see the effect, and I’ll report back . . .

UPDATE :There was speculation in the comment feeds on Facebook that this tactic won't "work," that is won't be effective in changing this guy's behavior. Here's the part where you have to listen really closely:

THERE IS NO "WORK" HERE; THIS IS NOT A TEST OF EFFICACY.

If you're approaching it that way, you're not thinking about it accurately.

NONE of the strategies or tactics we use in Burned Haystack are intended to "change" men. They're intended to give YOU information about the man in question. And then you can decide.

I hate to say this, but men past the age of adulthood don't really change. And if they DO, it's because THEY have some sort of transformative experience or hit rock bottom or get slapped in the face with an epiphany from somewhere else. They do not change because a woman on a dating app says, "I need you to be more emotionally available." Not gonna happen.

Information works two ways here. When the woman I referred says, "I don't like that," she's giving him information that he can incorporate or ignore.

The information SHE cares about is what he does with the information she gave him.

I think this is something people get confused about with this dating method. It's never been about making anybody do anything. It's about using applied rhetoric to glean and convey information in a way that saves you tons of time and in a way that protects you.

We don't (and can't) control anyone else; we can use tricks in order to control ourSELVES in ways that are healthy and productive. That's it.