A popular religious acronym is "J.O.Y.", which means: "Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last". In other words, the blessed life requires one's priorities to be in this order:

1 - Jesus

2 - Others

3 - Yourself

Seems innocent enough. Right? It's not. This "J.O.Y" idea has done a lot of damage in people's lives. This acronym is often yet another brick in the wall of an unhealthy notion of self-denial.

This acronym pits love for Jesus against love for self. In other words, loving Jesus means denying yourself. This is highly codependent and destructive.

That acronym is a perfect example of how religious systems can smuggle in a hierarchy that feels virtuous on the surface but quietly erodes a person’s inner world. It teaches people to see themselves as an afterthought, to distrust their own needs, and to equate self-neglect with holiness. In the existential health framework, that ordering isn’t just unhelpful—it’s inverted. A life of genuine wellbeing can’t be built on the premise that you belong at the bottom of your own life.

If you look closely, “J.O.Y.” functions less like a spiritual insight and more like a behavioral control mechanism:

“Jesus first” means the institution’s interpretation of Jesus first.

“Others second” often means serving the needs, expectations, and emotional comfort of the community.

“Yourself last” becomes a moral mandate to ignore your own pain, intuition, boundaries, and humanity.

It’s a formula that produces compliance, not flourishing.

From an existential health perspective, the order looks radically different:

Yourself first — not in a selfish way, but in the sense that your inner world is the foundation of everything else. If you’re fractured, suppressed, or disconnected from yourself, nothing you offer others is whole.

Others next — because healthy relationships flow from a grounded self, not a depleted one.

Meaning or transcendence last — not as an authority over you, but as something that emerges naturally from a life lived with clarity and integrity.

The irony is that when people reclaim themselves—when they stop living last—they often become more compassionate, more present, and more capable of love than they ever were under the J.O.Y. formula.

Self-abnegation should never be a requirement for religious devotion. Self-care should never be sacrificed on the altar of discipleship. One's relationship with self should never be compromised as a condition for relationship with God.

True spirituality is never the...

repudiation of your humanity

suppression of your feelings

liquidation of your individuality

vilification of your intellect

nullification of self-care

Religion did a disservice to many people by miss-teaching the idea of "self-denial." In the name of "God," people have rejected and disowned themselves - their own inner thoughts and deep feelings, their humanity, their individuality, and their personality.

Contrary to this religious sentiment, there is a healthy application of entitlement. You are entitled to...

acknowledge and honor your needs and desires,

live a life of authentic and free self-expression,

practice self-care,

say yes,

say no

You are entitled to...

your thoughts,

your feelings,

your body,

your desires,

your needs,

your gifts,

your boundaries,

your choices,

your dreams,

your spirituality,

your doubts,

your questions,

your personality,

your questions,

your beliefs,

your goals,

your mistakes,

your intuition,

your nonconformity,

your defiance,

your passion.

The J.O.Y. acronym doesn't really work because of the way it divides up ultimate reality, humankind and oneself into three separate, distinct and competing things. The way out of this is to cultivate a unitive life that understands that all three are actually only one thing.

When you care for yourself in healthy ways, you are making an investment in the whole of humankind. When you act in the world with compassion, aid and solidarity, you are reinforcing the truth of the interrelated structure of reality. When we are lifted up by peak moments of transcendence, beauty, liberation and love, we recognize we are experiencing that which has no name that fills all and is all.

Jim Palmer