I published a story last month called, “I Should Have Braided My Daughter’s Hair.” It was about a missed opportunity to learn how to do box braids (and more importantly, to spend six hours with my daughter) because, you know, I’ve got shit to do.

So this past weekend, when we finally had a rainy day, I braided my daughter’s hair. The first attempt ended in tears and forcefully expressed frustrations over having a white mom. I thought the braids were passable, but my daughter said they had to be perfect because otherwise the Black girls at school would tease her.

No pressure or anything.

I did my research and learned that both Rihanna and Zendaya have gone for the chunky jumbo box braid look, much more suitable to beginners, and convinced my daughter to try that route. The end result was far from perfect but apparently good enough for school. Win!

The whole experience got me thinking a lot about socialized incompetence, otherwise known as learned helplessness. Many male partners experience this when it comes to the labor of running a household and raising children. And I can relate, somewhat, because as a woman I’ve been socialized to be incompetent when it comes to, say, changing the oil in my car. As a white woman, I’ve been socialized to be incompetent when it comes to braiding hair.

But c’mon, it’s not like white women were born with less dextrous fingers. Learned helplessness can be unlearned. It’s all about being curious and making the time. It’s in the absence of curiosity and time that socialized incompetence can become weaponized.

I don’t share this photo to show off my amazing skills. They are incredibly amateur. But I learned a lot. And I’ll do better next time!