Yeah, when I tried an open relationship and so did a bunch of others I knew, it ended up disastrously. Though I guess we were ahead of the curve bc that was in the late aughts and before Sex at Dawn came out.

When I say disastrously, I mean explosively dangerously badly. Among the people I knew who tried, I saw suicide attempts, people arrested and put in jail, people who ended up wearing an ankle monitor, people stalking their partner’s lovers and trying to make bad things happen to them, blackmail attempts, domestic violence, a burglary…just horrific stuff, not to mention the eventual break ups/divorces.

Though none of what I saw was the Lindy West type manipulated, miserable, and oppressed person situation. The spectacular failure modes were mostly for the reason that the guy was initially enthusiastically on board thinking of all the hot chicks he was going to get with, quickly got hit with the reality that almost no women were wanting to go through with it unless he lied about already having a girlfriend/wife, and then him eventually completing losing his mind and getting violently obsessed and upset about all the interest his girlfriend/wife was getting and what she was doing when he was alone and she was out.

All the suicide attempts and stalking and arrests occurred after the girlfriend/wife inevitably fell in love with one of her paramours, even though that was “against the rules,” and her main man then ended up breaking into her phone, seeing lovey/sexy texts, and completely losing it in a dangerous mental health spiral of doom.

After that, I would never, ever again touch any of this. The jealousy instinct is profoundly powerful and dangerous when provoked, even by a guy who swears up and down he's super into it, or it was his idea in the first place. This kind of thing can get people get killed…both the main people and their lovers. Way too volatile and dangerous for me to ever consider touching.

Still…I think perhaps more credit should be given to the fact that it IS in fact incredibly difficult and often painful to be monogamous for decades on end in today’s society, when one is hot, young, and mostly comfortable, and is around other people who are the same, constantly. I feel like people just scoff at this or write it off or act like if it's difficult you're a selfish jerk. But I'm sorry, it truly is painful! It causes real suffering. It's too long to turn down too many enticing opportunities. If it wasn’t so hard to constantly turn down enticing opportunities, people wouldn't bother with this route. Like everything, it's always a trade-off.

This is why I really am not a fan at all of people settling down too early. They can never stick with it, it's too hard, almost no one I know who got together in their early 20s is still together. It's honestly just easier to be older when you're married. Being 23 and married is like going to Willy Wonka’s chocolate shop and not even getting one little taste of any candy when it's in your face and all around you.

Also, sorry I know this will make people defensive, but everyone I know who is now in their 40s or 50s who got married in their 20s seems like they at worst intermittently hate each other, and at best view each other as furniture. Those who got together older seem to actually still be into each other. Just what I see, sorry. I know everyone’s on a birth rate kick of arguing why people should settle down early, but from what I see it’s just way harder to sustain, and more enjoyable to do when you're a bit older and have had your time to be single. The fact people are waiting til their 30s to settle is I think a reflection of this, is actually a good thing for most people’s long term happiness, and is the main reason divorce rates are now half what they were a few decades ago.

Being sort of bored and uninspired doing the same person for the 10,000th time after a dozen years is tolerable if you're 50. It's really not, if you're 32.