Okay. Yes, male ego, competition, desire for domination, and the insecurities and fears that are its mirror ARE in fact the “engine running our world”, and always have been. It’s actually amazing we have created such a socialized and civilized world that so many people have seemingly forgotten that. Celeste Davis is generally correct here, and I loved the illustrations and history regarding lawns.

But may I give a suggestion…or actually BEG and PLEAD, PLEEAASSE:

Consider that this is not something that is socialized and it is not something that can be changed. It is a natural result of male biology and bodies and hormones. When you see precisely the same pattern in every society that has ever existed on earth, through all of history, one that is even observable in non-human species, you should assume it’s biological. Please just at least CONSIDER this possibility, and how that would change your response, if you assume it CANNOT BE ALTERED. Here’s a hint: you can only set up the right incentives and disincentives to channel and promote good outcomes, and discourage bad ones. But you cannot simply socialize or teach it away. Assume it’s like aging or gravity or the fact that leaves fall off trees in autumn…to be accepted and addressed in a way that produces the most optimal possible results, not educated or theorized away but properly incentivized.

And I know it’s a tall order, but women should try not to view men from a maternal perspective. Perhaps that’s an impossible request, and unrealistic for me, as a non-mother, to ask. But I see a lot of moms who want to think that their precious, sweet, innocent little boy could just avoid all this mess as an adult if only you could protect him from bullying and bad ideas and social pressure. You can’t.

For one thing, the main reason that all of these grown man-boys are acting the way they are, and so desperate to appear macho, is not because they’ve grown up with a surfeit of toxic masculinity, but a world where it is so disregarded and pushed into secret dark corners that most of them entirely romanticize an imaginary world they’ve had no contact with, except in fantasies and movies. These are men in their 40s who have never even been in a fight. Many of them have never met a man under 70 with the barest memory of what “masculinity” was for most of history — which is fucking brutal. They’re like the summer boys at the beginning of Gone With the Wind, excited and optimistic to go off to war because they think it will be so fun and exciting, in their imaginations.

Take a look at the chart below. That’s a study from an extremely traditional, conservative, pro-family institute, and it shows that men have become INCREDIBLY MORE HAPPY, once they’ve lived their life, as fathers, since the 70s. Having kids and being a family man used to make men goddamn miserable. They were not allowed to have emotions, they barely interacted with their kids, they carried 100% of the stress and burden of supporting the family, and most of them came home from work, screamed and yelled, and that sit in a chair drinking and being pissed off til they had to go do it again the next day. Their personal happiness and satisfaction has skyrocketed since the social changes that started in the 70s. That’s why old men over 70 are a pretty happy bunch, and not on this neo-masculinity train — they remember how men used to be in the good old days, which was almost universally miserable bastards.

It’s the younger guys who have no earthly memory of the misery and brutality of most men’s lives in the past, who are all in with their fantasies of returning to a golden age. And note that in contrast, women, after all is said and done, are about 15% less happy if they have kids, and that hasn’t budged one bit since 1972. But the standard man in the past was a grumpy, miserable bastard who got his ass beat regularly as a kid and through his 20s (by his dad, brothers, uncles, guys in the neighborhood, friends), never showed any emotion other than anger, barely interacted with his kids, probably served in the military, and then had a heart attack and died when he was 65.

Some of us remember those OGs and scary grandpas — and that’s exactly what they were: scary. The cuddly dads of today are unrecognizable. And that’s been good for them, but the young guys today have no IRL memory of how shit used to be, and suffer from emotional problems that mostly derive from too much comfort and ease and too LITTLE contact with the full implications of a truly masculine world, which they would not like one tiny bit.

More feminine empathy and social management techniques are not going to cure what ails them. We would not see a bunch of men in their 40s trying to act like 19 year old tough guys if they had not grown up in a world totally devoid of rough surfaces, too smooth and soft and slippery to do its job of grinding down testosterone-driven excess.