I first saw Esther Perel’s TED Talk about erotic desire in long term relationships sometime in the mid 2010’s.

I was instantly transfixed. Not just by the topic, but because she was also so beautiful and eloquent and badass. A lot of the older female icons with swagger I saw were actresses and musicians. Esther was the first I saw where her main output was relational and intellectual. I went and bought Mating in Captivity, which is now out in a 20th anniversary edition.

She describes a paradox about how the very ingredients that nurture love (mutuality, reciprocity, responsibility) are sometimes the same ingredients that suffocate desire, which thrives on a degree of selfishness, subversion, and the ability to stay connected to yourself in the presence of another.

I adore how she doesn’t shy away from complexity and uncertainty in her work and avoids simple prescriptions. Her speaking and writing feel lush and almost musical. Very excited to revisit this classic and see what new insights I glean as I settle into a partnered life phase.