When Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I interviewed people who were cured from “incurable” illnesses, a recurring theme that arose was that these people had been “one down” in narcissistic abuse situations, or they’d been majorly over-caregiving without enough reciprocity, or they’d been selflessly sacrificing but abandoning their own needs. And this made them “relationsick.”

But some of the ones with startling recoveries described what one woman called her “Selfish Bitch Project,” not because self care is selfish but because it felt so supremely selfish to someone indoctrinated into over-giving. To prioritize her own recovery, she had to trick herself into believing that she had to abide by her Selfish Bitch Project so she could get better enough to keep helping others. That’s how much fawning parts can distort reality, lie to us, and convince us we’re selfish if we’re simply self-protecting. They mean well! They helped us survive. But to begin to heal, we have to become less selfless and more self-loving.

Let’s not let things get this severe, dear ones! Let’s do that “YOU-Turn” before it’s a medical emergency. And if the medical emergency has already happened, let’s not feel selfish for prioritizing recovery, getting our needs met, and expecting relational reciprocity.