This week, in my essay “Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Kids,” I explored for the first time the possibility of childlessness after infertility. It was, in many ways, a relief to contemplate releasing the pressure to keep trying to build a family after the disappointment of recurrent miscarriages and a failed adoption.
So I was fascinated today to read ’s interview with Jess Van Wyen about Jess’ decision to remain childless after two devastating losses. Until recently, I struggled to understand why anyone would make this choice when there are so many options for building a family. But what it comes down to is this: when you’re done, you’re done.
There is so much stress (emotional, physiological, and financial) in alternative paths to parenthood, plus the ongoing risk of loss. There comes a point for each of us when we don’t have the emotional or financial resources to try again or risk another disappointment. After years of stress, it’s time to give our minds and bodies a break and move on. This is a realization I’m exploring for myself, and I’m so grateful Ryan and Jess have discussed this in their interview.
Jess makes the point that it’s unhelpful to suggest family-building options to a childless person, because odds are they’ve carefully considered their options, and asking about it forces them to defend these painful and difficult decisions.
Jess concludes by sharing, “It would be so healing for me if people would just believe me and just recognize that I am going to find just as much fulfillment and happiness as they have, in different ways. Because I always have.”
Read the full interview here:
