“See what happens to your body if you quit coffee for a month,” the article says.

To my body, I’m not sure. To other people’s bodies around me? Catastrophic consequences.

Day one, mild headache for me. Day one for everyone else, emotional hostage situation.

Day three, I’m blinking slower. Day three for them, they’re googling “how to survive a loved one without caffeine.”

By week two I’m probably fine. By week two they’ve started a support group.

Honestly, coffee isn’t self care. It’s public safety. ☕