The always special Simpsons Creek (pic)… resting, remembering the beauty… the many hours, months and years I’ve swam in those special waters… breathed and lived beside… receiving her endless gifts.

The Fencing Notices… f i n a l l y finished, printed and sitting in the post office… I was celebrating with a hot cup of good chai.

It’s been a helluva time… god, July… now creeping into August… and the last exhausting year with one of those neighbours from hell. I didn’t realise they were a thing. I’ve led a protected life… it seems.

I didn’t intend to mention that… I guess it was the pic… brought it back. And it’s all still in process… step by f…king step. Sigh.

It was this morning… my rituals, as someone who doesn’t need to get out the door by a certain time…

I was making my second cup of chai. Then out of my mouth… “Oh god… “.

Something hit… landed, in my understanding. For the very first time.

It was me I was looking for…

Not the great existential questions swimming in my mind.

I was looking for me.

I was an early seeker. Age eleven, during the tumultuous crossing of puberty… I was on the hunt. I needed to understand something… there was something I needed to find.

I started with graphology… my handwriting was very distinct… similar to my mother’s, but mine much larger.

Then I found numerology… I loved maths… was my favourite, especially algebra and geometry.

It was a family inheritance… we all had the maths wiz thing.

Then on I moved to psychology… large tombs from the library… scoured the pages.

Still on the hunt.

Then I found astrology… I recognised it immediately. “It’s an ancient science”… I remembered it.

I later understood that my time in hospitals during the polio epidemics had set off a firey search in me… even so young.

My naturally dominant curiosity was hungry and rampant. Needing to learn… to find something.

Then it was this morning… making my 2nd cup if hot chai… down it landed.

I was looking for me.

God… that’s huge.

I was aware… all that time ago… so young… and yet I knew (unconsciously) that I’d been left behind somewhere.

And I needed to find myself.

I’m approaching my 8th decade… it’s been an ongoing journey since then.

I have found bits and pieces… with still more (likely the master load) making it’s way to the surface.

I’ve certainly been committed (Vesta asteroid sitting on my Sun😁😁 you can look it up😁).

July brought some big energy… it impacted us all. We live in big times… big things need to change.

It could have been the other day… the fence ordeal (too light a word) and the neighbour from hell)… a confrontation… I froze, my heart raced… I was reliving something very deep from before.

Still recovering from the impact on my body… two days later.

Violence and me just don’t get on… I guess I’ve had a sheltered life.

Big things happening to us all… I’m sure.

with love… 💚🧚🏻‍♀️💚

(ohhh yes… ‘looking for me’… Trauma steals you… and replaces you with someone else… but you’re still in there somewhere… buried deep. ‘Cause you need to keep yourself safe.)