𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹-𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗷𝗼𝗯? 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗻𝗼 𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗮 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱?

What everyone sees are the visible tasks. The dishes, laundry, groceries. Your partner may even chip in.

What no one sees is the invisible cognitive and emotional load.

You're the one remembering and noticing what's needed. New shoes. Milk running out. Everyone's activities at what time, social commitments. You run the family.

Back when my mother was a "wife and mother" she already talked about not being acknowledged for all the management skills she was using, showing, and developing further.

And then there's the socially conditioned emotional load.

Societal conditioning expects you to manage everyone's feelings and anticipating their needs. You're smoothing over ruffled feathers before they escalate into all-out conflict. Have you ever realized you're your family's therapist and coordinator? Plus their emotional regulator.

It's exhausting to just even think of it!

I live and have lived without other humans in my house ever since nautical college. Where I contended with 180 people to for two years. And I was a lucky female with at most 3-5 others in a room compared to the male dormitories with 20. In hindsight it's a wonder I functioned there at all considering my neurodivergence.

And there's an irony in this too.

When your partner notices your overwhelm and says "Tell me what needs to be done." They believe they're offering help and relief. What they don't realize is that they're asking you to become a team lead on top of being the manager.

When you truly share running the family, you both do the noticing and neither of you waits to be assigned a task.

Be kind though, because that "tell me what's needs to be done" is a golden first step.

Like my neighbors have evolved their relationship. She still bears the brunt of it, but he notices and asks specific questions. He offers specific help or simply does what needs to be done.

There's absolutely no reason you need to do it all.

You're not just "naturally better" at this stuff.

You've had years if not decades of training. And you were societally conditioned to sacrifice your mental space so everyone else stays comfortable.

When will you stop?

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝘀 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗲 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲.

When will you start training your partner?

𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆'𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝗖𝗘𝗢.

#difficultwomen