this is a wonderful essay! I am grateful to learn that the united states is not the only society with race-based lenses. my mother is from Japan and my late father was white, and I grew up in Hawaii, which you would think is not a race-based community, but it can be. I feel fully American, but after many years on the U.S. mainland I've realized that not everyone looks at me and thinks of me that way, so I get the "where are you from" question, too.

I have raised my children with many of the Japanese tastes and values that I grew up with, and they've had to figure out that none of their friends live like that. They don't get asked where they are from because my husband is also mixed (Lebanese-white) so they look "exotic" but not completely one thing or another. But we listen to so many types of music, eat so many types of food, and are eager and open-minded about other cultures, and very often that is considered "quirky" or "weird." It's like you have to buy into the wider/dominant culture completely or you're not really American. It can be painful.

Thank you again for this reflection!