I am reading Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, for one of my graduate courses. A couple people recommended I watch Origin - an Ava Duvernay film. Oh how I love Ms. Ava! Both the book & the film are heavy on me as a transracial adoptee. I’ve had to take breaks while reading more often than usual. But, the movie visuals grabbed a hold of me & catapulted me back to childhood in a way I did not expect. For a moment, i was frozen in time. My legs couldn’t move & I stopped breathing. My stomach disturbed turning & sunken like it always does when I feel the weight of uncertainty amid shameful unworthiness. A feeling I’ve felt for decades. For me, it was the 1970’s, Knoxville TN. I was Al Bright, the innocent, unassuming child who just wanted to be a kid, like everyone else. The memories rushed in & there I was, dripping wet mostly from pool water, wrapped in a stiff bath towel, with short freshly mowed blades of green grass stuck to my ankles & between my toes. The sun was hot. The swim meet was over & we were at Holston Hills Country Club. I dipped my 2 fingers in the box of red jello & slowly sucked the sweetness off. I didn’t wanna swim with them anyway. This country club had a rule “No Blacks Allowed” The only reason we were permitted inside this massive place with manicured lawns surround by golfers was because we were competing with our swim team. What if i had to pee? “I’ll hold it”, I decided. This is what being adopted into white families gets you - entrance into white spaces, you would otherwise not be permitted. Is that a privilege? Much like Al Bright, no one provided any emotional support. This was the rule & that’s just how it was. These were the beginnings of what would repeat over & over as I grew & navigated white spaces. As I watched Isabel Wilkerson’s character lie beside Al, I imagined that was me. I closed my eyes, and allowed myself to go back to 1977. I whispered “you are ok. you are just fine. i am taking care of you. you deserve all the love and care plus more. you are a survivor and i love you. i will never leave you”.