I love to listen to whale song sounds to relax.

But always ruin it for myself by wondering if they’re just having completely mundane conversations in their pods.

“Jesus, Beverley, no, Nigel is NOT fanciable. He still brings up that one time he headbutted a boat like it made him a legend.”

Or maybe they’re actually foul mouthed.

“Oh do fuck off, Eddie, you’re being a proper twat. Every time we migrate you make it all about you.”

And here I am in bed listening to sweary recorded whale rants and relaxing like it’s some kind of spiritual experience.

Or to be even more meta, what if they’re planning a murder?

“Right. That smug a-hole of a seal on the iceberg? Been giving us the side eye for weeks. Tonight we sort it. Who’s in?”

Like a normal, well adjusted woman, I could be soothing my nervous system with a murder plot.

A marine hit-job.

Criminal Intent: Cetacean edition.

These are their stories.