FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

October 9, 2025 – Stockholm, Sweden

Nobel Committee Announces Inaugural “Nobel Patience Prize”

First Recipient: The Right Honourable Mark Carney, for Heroic Restraint in the Face of Unrelenting Nonsense

The Nobel Committee for Peace and Sanity is proud to announce the establishment of a brand-new category: The Nobel Patience Prize.

This award recognizes individuals who demonstrate extraordinary restraint, composure, and serenity while surrounded by persistent absurdity at the highest levels of public life.

In its inaugural year, the Committee faced no debate, no shortlist, and certainly no runner-up. By unanimous acclamation, Mark Carney, Prime Minister of Canada, economist, and part-time diplomatic hostage to political chaos, has been selected as the first-ever laureate of the Nobel Patience Prize.

Citation

“For maintaining calm expression, dignified posture, and coherent sentences while conversing with individuals for whom coherence is merely aspirational.”

Background and Justification

The Committee noted that Prime Minister Carney’s recent interactions with Transformational President Donald J. Trump—who this week described Canada as “our scenic northern asset portfolio”—constituted “a masterclass in self-regulation under duress.”

During a joint briefing on trade, Mr. Carney reportedly stood motionless, blinking only twice, as President Trump unveiled his vision for a “continental crypto-currency solely backed by Canada’s extensive maple syrup reserves.”

According to observers, Carney’s only reply—“That’s… innovative”—has since been hailed as the most diplomatic pause in recorded history.

A Daily Practice of Restraint

The Committee’s report further documents Carney’s ongoing patience training regimen, noting that “the Prime Minister endures daily exposure to Pierre Poilievre, both in the House of Commons and in unstructured social environments.”

Witnesses from the Parliament’s centre block cafeteria describe scenes of heroic composure:

“Poilievre was insisting Carney pick up the lunch tab again,” said one staffer who asked to remain anonymous, “claiming he left his chef-prepared four-course box lunch on the kitchen table at Stornoway.”

Mr. Carney was observed calmly retrieving his wallet, sighing only once, and politely reminding Mr. Poilievre that fiscal responsibility begins at lunch.

Statement from the Nobel Committee Chair

Dr. Ingrid Halvorsen, Chair of the Nobel Committee, elaborated:

“Mr. Carney’s patience transcends ordinary endurance. We measured his composure in real-time with data collected through biometrics during Question Period. His resting heart rate actually decreased while listening to Mr. Poilievre discuss monetary policy. Frankly, we thought the monitor was broken at first.”

On the Future of the Prize

The Committee confirmed that the Nobel Patience Prize will not necessarily be awarded annually, noting that “it may take decades before another human displays comparable tolerance.”

A small silver medallion will accompany the award, depicting a serene Carney seated in lotus position between two microphones—one labeled “Trump,” the other “Poilievre”—beneath the inscription:

“In Composure Veritas.”

About the Nobel Patience Prize

Established in 2025, the Nobel Patience Prize honours those who maintain grace under the gravitational pull of foolishness. It joins the Peace Prize as one of the Committee’s two most urgently relevant categories in modern civilization.

Press Contact:

The Nobel Committee for Patience

Email: press@nobelpatience.org

Phone: +46 08 555 555

Editor’s Note: This release is entirely satirical, any resemblance to real politicians or scenarios is coincidental—if occasionally accurate.