For all the young people out there, I decided to review the countries I have been to and/or lived in. I have endeavoured to make the information as useful and practically powerful as is physically possible.

Czech Republic 8/10

I was minding my own business at approximately 3am, I’d got myself a small fries from McDonalds, I was looking very much looking forward to eating them, I don’t remember the details but I had to make a trip to the bin across the street first, had to toss something away, back then I was very conscientious, off I went, I was in a great mood, I don’t remember why, got to the bin, I’d left the fries on a wall I suppose, anyway when I turned around I was surprised to find an elderly gentleman rifling through my chips. I jogged back pretty fast, what are you doing, I said, with my chips, he told me that the United States is a satanic organisation, a disease, he said, then why are you eating their chips, I said, he explained to me that in fact the chips, specifically the chips, were locally made, but had been commandeered by the United States of America and he was liberating them, he said, I felt joyously angry, I don’t recall what happened next, at some point he said he was going to hit me in the head and I said I don’t think you will, actually, in fact I’m almost certain you won’t, I said. I recall that we spoke at length in I am not sure what language about the divergent and/or convergent connotations of the words chips and fries

Kazakhstan 8/10

Good people nice language not Germany

Japan 8/10

Don’t understand the language. Exceptional newsagents, feeling of largesse and privacy, yet to annihilate its last traces of beauty

Italy 8/10

Infuriatingly glorious

Kyrgyzstan 7/10

Good people, not Germany, too many Frenchmen on the hills

Scotland 7/10

Don’t remember

Poland 7/10

Kind of like 1993 (if you know where to look)

Serbia 6/10

Left my bag on a bench at the bus station by accident for ten hours and no one so much as touched it, it was like they couldn’t even see it. It wasn’t dark

Ukraine 6/10

Be secret and exult / Because of all things known / That is most difficult

Greece 6/10

‘How much can we be redeemed by mere sky’ ‘at times, entirely’

Montenegro 6/10

Russo-Americans with advanced vibes. Where the Euro goes to die

Georgia 5/10

The worst possible American girls, huddling together in the mountains, eternally chatting about grapes or wine or something. At a strictly geological level, the mountains appear respectable. And some of the lushest forest on our ever-saddening earth!

USA 5/10

An entertaining people

Slovakia 4/10

Cute desire to become Austria, fortunately unsuccessful (occasional exceptions). Lake game top draw

China 4/10

Hercules with half a leg, often hot

Wales 4/10

Where Genghis Khan is from

Moldova 3/10

All actually helpful old women reside here

Bosnia 2/10

Something mysterious in the women’s eyes. The river trash has some je ne sais quoi

Spain 2/10

Italy minus panache

Bulgaria 2/10

I just like the coffee machines. Walk around, find the coffee machine. Sit down by the coffee machine. 5am. 6am. 7am. 8am… why are there 500,000 bald Germans?

North Macedonia 1/10

Oh you are really such a pretty one / I see you’ve gone and changed your name again (And just when I climbed this whole mountainside / To wash my eyelids in the rain!)

Romania 1/10

Everyone seems a little too excited

Mexico 1/10

Would be cool if everyone spoke Italian

Uzbekistan 1/10

Free Karakalpakstan! When the time comes, I shall personally move Tashkent to Dubai

Albania 1/10

Nice late opening times, friendly ambivalence, though there isn’t, in the end, very much to do here. But oh, the gentlest hustle!

Belgium 0/10

No comment

France 0/10

Bro

Iceland 0/10

Where’s Bjork? Where is she? I stole a non-negligible amount of money while my girlfriend was at the salmon baths.

Germany 0/10

A dead idea which even at its best was always basically disgusting. These are the people who invented ‘square houses’… or if you want it from the horse’s mouth: “Bach’s works are a priceless national patrimony; no other nation possesses a treasure comparable to it. Their publication in an authoritative text will be a national service and raise an imperishable monument to the composer himself. All who hold Germany dear are bound in honour to promote the undertaking to the utmost of their power. I deem it a duty to remind the public of this obligation and to kindle interest in it in every true German heart.”

Hungary 0/10

Paraphrasing Yeats, the best people are suicidal and the worst are trying to move to Italy

England 0/10

But you are what you are, son

Thailand 0/10

A dark time for all God’s creatures

Ireland 0/10

I had to be airlifted out by helicopter, I became terrified that I’d be charged. It was because ‘I was drowning’ they said. I was doing no such thing! Amazon dot com bailed me out. Many writers live in this country

Turkey 0/10

“A virgin with a dish of gold, it was said, could walk unmolested from China to Turkey.”

Morocco 0/10

They were using the beach as an open-air gym, I liked this very much. Threw up a bath full of tap water in an open-air toilet alongside two newly pregnant ladies, genuinely a good experience. White women in this country often have something quite catastrophically wrong with them

Canada 0/10

The unredeemed. Evanie Laurent is a 10

Austria 0/10

Subgerman

The Netherlands 0/10

Subaustrian