An Open Letter to Donald Trump From the Algae in Your Reflecting Pool

Dear Mr. President,

I wanted to take a moment to thank you personally.

Most algae spend their lives in obscurity, quietly coating rocks or turning neglected ponds an unattractive shade of green. Very few of us get the opportunity to inhabit one of America's most visible symbols of presidential grandeur.

Yet thanks to your stewardship, I found a home in the reflecting pool outside your beloved White House.

Before arriving in your reflecting pool, I lived a modest life. Clear water. Regular maintenance. Competent oversight. The sort of oppressive environment in which algae are expected to know their place.

Then your administration got involved.

Suddenly, opportunities appeared everywhere.

The pool was a triumph of Trumpian management. Unqualified contractors were hired. Specialists were ignored. Routine upkeep was deferred. Small problems became visible problems, visible problems became embarrassing problems, and embarrassing problems became somebody else's responsibility.

For algae, it was the American Dream.

As I floated there, multiplying by the millions, I couldn't help but notice certain similarities between us.

We both flourish when oversight and accountability disappears.

We both benefit when experts are ignored.

We both spread by exploiting weaknesses in systems that were built to contain us.

We both possess an extraordinary ability to obscure what lies beneath us.

Most of all, we both leave things looking worse than we found them while insisting everything has never been better.

So thank you, Mr. Trump. Not merely for providing me with a world-class habitat, but for demonstrating that decline can be rebranded as success if repeated often enough.

Many presidents leave behind libraries.

Many leave behind monuments.

You will leave behind a reflecting pool so perfectly suited to my needs that future generations of algae may speak of it with reverence.

For one glorious moment, the swamp wasn't something you promised to drain.

It was something you cultivated.

Warmly,

The Algae