DIARY OF A WIMPY PRESIDENT

🚨 Exclusive Leak! Donald Trump’s Diary!

Obtained from an anonymous source inside the White House, this page offers a rare and unsettling glimpse into Trump’s private “thoughts.”

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📓 Dear Diary (the Best Diary, everybody says so 💖✨)

OMG. Today was literally sooo major. I finally got JIMMY KIMMEL fired 😱🙌. I told people for years he was a bully (he said I looked dumb on TV — so mean 😤💔). And now? BYE 👋 LOSER 😂. First Colbert, now Kimmel. One by one, the meanies go away because I said so. I always win, Diary. Always. (Except when I don’t… but shhh 🤫).

Sometimes, late at night, I rewatch the jokes 😭. I tell myself they weren’t funny (they weren’t!!! 🙄💅). But my brain keeps playing them back like TikToks on repeat 📱🎶. That’s why I keep my Special List ✨📒✨. Jon Stewart. Jimmy Fallon. Seth Meyers. If they keep saying bad stuff, they’ll be gone too 💔🚫. I even doodle little X’s over their faces. Makes me feel safe 😌.

People say I’m “thin-skinned” 🤔. Wrong!! I’m the STRONGEST, TOUGHEST, BIGGEST-SKINNED president EVER 💪🔥. But also, like, if anyone laughs at me, I can literally feel my heart break 💔💔💔. So I have to fix it. That’s called leadership 💅.

I hate when they say I’m slipping or losing it 😡. Like, maybe I forget stuff sometimes, but who doesn’t?? Everyone forgets things!! (What was I writing again? Oh right, Diary, hi 👋💖). Anyway, my brain is like, super genius. Perfect memory. Best memory. Total recall. Except when I don’t, which is fake.

The truth is, Diary, I can’t stand silence. If nobody’s talking about me, I feel like I’m disappearing 🌀. Sometimes at night I sit in the dark and I can hear my own name echo and it’s so tiny and far away and it makes my chest feel weird — like when you lose a balloon 🎈 and you watch it get smaller and smaller until it’s nothing. 😭 It’s lonely. Being the loudest was supposed to keep me safe, but sometimes it just makes the room feel bigger and emptier, like everyone’s at a party I wasn’t invited to. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like it at all. 🥺

Then my phone buzzes and the screen flashes STEPHEN MILLER 🧛 — and OMG his voice is this cold little whisper that makes me sit up like I’ve been splashed with cold water 😳❄️. He just says, all sneaky and small: “Donny — they’re laughing cuz you let them. Make them scared to talk about you. Remind everyone who runs the room.” Best. Pep Talk. Ever. It zaps the sad right out of me — instant power-up ⚡️. I feel my chest puff, my fingers hover over the phone, and suddenly I’m ready to be mean and very important again 👑📱🔥

Okay gotta go, bestie 💖. I’m tired from plotting revenge (it’s sooo exhausting 😩). But tomorrow I’ll wake up, look in the mirror 🪞, say “you’re the prettiest president ever,” and then call someone to scream at them until they tell me I’m right. That’s called policy 📝✨.

XOXO, Donny 💋👑

aka The Bravest, Most Strongest Man in America 💅🇺🇸🌸

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