The demise of the newspaper industry poses an existential crisis for American households.

If we don’t have newspapers— the actual physical things, not electronic versions— we don’t have stacks of old newsprint around the house. What will we use for starting fires, packing gifts in boxes, lining birdcages, serving as backdrop for painting projects, etc?

Face it: old newspapers rank right alongside duct tape and WD-40 as indispensable household items.

You thought I would say something about the need to stay informed? Nah; we’re all drowning in oceans of information, conveyed online. But you can’t use a smartphone to mop up an oil spill.