I once came up with some Chuck Norris philosophy jokes.* Feel free to add your own. The possibilities are fairly endless.

Chuck Norris as GE Moore: Here is one fist. Here is another. Any questions?

On vagueness: Chuck Norris knows how many grains of sand make a heap.

A proof of dualism: Chuck Norris can separate your mind from your body.

A concession to Grice’s view of speaker meaning: The meaning of an utterance is its use, unless Chuck Norris utters it. For him, it means whatever he intends it to mean.

The metaphysics of grounding: Chuck Norris is the ground that grounds the ground’s grounding of the ground.

On Quine: To be is to be the value of a variable bound by Chuck Norris’s grip.

Kantian metaphysics: Chuck Norris is a thing-in-himself.

Kantian ethics: You cannot, morally, make yourself an exception to a moral law. Only Chuck Norris can do that.

On Protagorean relativism: Man is the measure of all things. One particular man, that is.

The tenure committee: Publish or meet Chuck Norris.

The thought experiment: Even though it is stipulated to not be an option, Chuck Norris still stops the trolley.

In favor of dialethism: When Chuck Norris utters a contradiction, it is true.

Philosophy of religion: The ontological argument proves that Chuck Norris exists.

On virtue ethics: You might think I’m going to say that Chuck Norris is the virtuous person or something like that. Nope. Chuck is the reason the virtues count as virtues in the first place.

On peer review: Chuck Norris has the power to get Reviewer 2 to recommend publication without revisions.

As a journal editor: Once you submit to Chuck Norris, it will not be physically possible for you to resubmit.

*In case you aren’t aware, Chuck Norris jokes attest to the powers of the action movie star. For instance:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris does not do push ups. He pushes the Earth down.