Thoughts on detransition, womanhood, and medical harm:

My Mother was not perimenopausal until her late 40s.

At 34, I am already perimenopausal— most likely due to the years I spent as a female on testosterone. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be now, if I hadn’t detransitioned.

Still, I feel a sense of loss and despair over it. I have felt so connected to myself through my cycles, thanking God for the wonder that is my body, the female body, the vehicle for life & death, creation and destruction. It feels like an honor to move through these stages and archetypes. I don’t want to move out of time.

And yet…every night, I sleep with ice packs, waking up a couple of times in the night to replace them with new ones. I sweat so much in the night that I wake up feeling like I need an IV drip. Sometimes, I wake up just to vomit.

I bled fourteen days ago, and I am bleeding again, now.

During my last bleed, I felt like a furnace burning up outdoors in 40 degree weather, with a t-shirt on. I take a holistic supplement for my hot flashes. The dizziness and nausea eventually made me succumb to scopolamine patches, despite the fact that I generally avoid allopathic medicine.

My body is changing, everything is changing. I don’t feel ready.

Testosterone took much from my life. In the short time span that I was taking it, I fractured two bones and broke another one. They had warned me about testosterone-induced osteoporosis, and put me on a calcium supplement. I did not know, however, that this meant that my bones would just start snapping like twigs. When I fractured my finger, it was because I was lightly finger “drumming” on a table.

Since being off of testosterone, I have not broken or fractured a single bone…but there have been other irreversible effects.

Last year, I had to see a voice therapist for around 6 months. Had I known that was an option, I would have seen one years ago. My therapist was incredible, and helped me tremendously….but everything we did was experimental. It is always an experiment when we don’t yet fully understand the longterm effects of cross-sex hormones.

At my first session, I filled out a questionnaire. Most questions revolved around my self consciousness surrounding my voice (very high, at the time,) how often I lose my voice (constantly,) how often I am in pain (daily,) etc. I noted the impact this has had on me financially, as most of my paid work requires my voice.

My therapist went above and beyond. She watched my YouTube channel and analyzed my voice patterns over the years. She was able to pinpoint vocal stress patterns that were triggered by the physiological changes that T (testosterone) had brought to my vocal cords. They were inflamed, and damaged.

She taught me how to annunciate differently, how I should breathe while speaking, how to reduce inflammation, and many other tips usually reserved for voice actors, she said. My confidence increased exponentially, but a good portion of my struggles still exist. I just have more tools to navigate them, now.

I could go on and on about how, all of these years later, my past testosterone use is still impacting my daily experience... because it is. I try not to dwell because I find it defeating.

Instead, I work to love myself through the harm that I’ve endured. Love myself even as my body moves out of time. Love myself even in my moments of fear or frustration.

I work to deepen my relationship with my body even more…to show up for her, to cherish her. I make sure she knows that I would never abandon her again. And I pray for those who are currently going through this (this, meaning transition harm)…for their peace, healing, and relief.

Just as I pray for justice, for medical accountability, and for the reevaluation of certain “treatments” that have left so many with similar health struggles. We were harmed, but we are not broken. We endure.

In closing, “Maybe you were born for such a time as this.”