On Righteous Anger

It feels like people are angrier than ever these days. Don't let the smile fool you, because I know that I am.

One of the hardest things for me in this kindness work is not to become the thing that I’m fighting against.

Vulnerably, I’m sharing here that this challenge has been more difficult for me lately than it ever has in my entire life.

Still though, one thing that I've learned (admittedly, in therapy) is that kindness and anger are not incompatible.

A lot of kind, caring people I know have a complicated relationship with their own anger. They've absorbed a message (from their faith, their family, or their friends) that goes something like this:

"If you're truly committed to kindness and compassion, you should be able to evolve past your anger."

Yeah...that's total BS.

The idea that anger is a moral failing is completely inaccurate.

Anger is a signal.And there are two VERY different ways we receive that signal.

1️⃣ Reactive Anger: That's the fast, hot, and impulsive kind that's primarily about self-protection when our ego feels threatened. Left unexamined, it's the anger that has us saying things we can't take back, or punching someone in the face because they accidentally stepped on the back of your new Jordans.

2️⃣ Righteous Anger: This is the slower, deeper kind that's rooted in something outside of you. For example, a value, a person's dignity, or a vision of how the world should work being violated. It's the anger that moved Rosa Parks to stay in her seat. Honored and channeled well, it is one of the most powerful forces for good in the world.

The problem is that most of us were never taught to tell the difference between the two.

So, we either:

A) Swallow ALL our anger in the name of being a good person -OR-

B) We express ALL of it reactively because we never learned to slow it down enough to understand what it was telling us.

(Neither option will get us closer to a kinder world, btw).

So here's something to try the next time you feel a real surge of anger. Before you act on it OR push it away, sit with it long enough to answer three questions:

1️⃣ What specifically triggered this? Not the event in general, I'm talking about your interpretation of what happened that activated the anger.

2️⃣ Is this primarily about my ego being hurt, or about a value being violated?

3️⃣ What is this anger asking me to do? Reactive anger is about lashing out without thinking. Righteous anger always points toward a specific action, conversation, or stand that needs to be taken.

Here's my take on this, Kindness fam:

The world doesn't need more people who have managed their anger into numbness, or worse, people who get into daily fist fights because someone looked at them funny.

The world needs people who are pissed off about things that matter, and who are strong enough, wise enough, and ideally, kind enough to channel that energy into making the world a better place ❤️.