"just as I wouldn’t insist on calling you Steven, even if it’s your REAL name, if you say you prefer Steve"

Actually, Steve *is* my real name😁 It's on my birth certificate and everything. But while I too am inclined to simply respect people's wishes about how they want to be referred to, the issue runs far deeper than that. And I think this framing conflates too many different things.

First, there's the issue of pronouns and deadnames. This is referring to people as they wish to be referred to, and I am, I think, in complete agreement with you. If somebody tells me their name is Gpjrthgx, I'll do my best to pronounce it. If Dwayne Johnson tells me to use she/her pronouns, I'll oblige without the slightest protest. This is politeness.

But if Dwayne, or any other person, asks me to say that they *are* a woman, there are a bunch of other things I now need to consider. What are the implications of this person being treated identically to a woman in society? What are the potential consequences of the precedent this sets? This is no longer about politeness, it's about policy.

If I'm asked to view a female body as a "developmental problem", as Feffy does, what does that mean for the countless other young girls who feel discomfort with their bodies during puberty? What do we do when there's a 4000% increase in teenage girls identifying as trans (https://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2018/september/4-000-explosion-in-kids-identifying-as-transgender-docs-perform-double-mastectomies-on-healthy-teen-girls), many of whom are put on hormone therapies that permanently change their voices and bodies and have double mastectomies (https://twitter.com/StandingforXX/status/1472988554125058049?s=20&t=yFV1_eEXZ7AdAu-nZ0yPag) that they later regret (https://youtu.be/n0pVuZ0CT7Q)? This is no longer about politeness, it's about safeguarding.

If I'm asked to ignore the differences between sex and gender, or to always consider gender to be more important, what does that mean for sport where we have to acknowledge that male and female bodies perform differently regardless of gender identity? This is no longer about politeness, it's about fairness.

If a friend told me her dog was a she, despite the dog's penis, I'd see that as a cause for concern. Not because I care about the dog's gender identity (nor does the dog presumably), but because a shared relationship to reality is really important. Which is the same reason I think the words are important in general; words are how we interact with that shared reality (I may also be biased as a writer).

The words don't change Feffy and his husband's relationship. And you're right, I don't really care whether his husband calls himself gay or not. If they're happy, I'm happy. But that's because the label one couple chooses doesn't tempt us to do something deeply homophobic like, for example, deny the existence of same-sex attraction. But when this happens on a wider and wider scale, you get people thinking like the tweet that started the conversation.

The more we lose sight of what words mean, the greater the implications for issues that lie far beyond the scope of politeness. I don't think the child safeguarding can be separated from the wider conversation.