"OK, let's do our very best to reset as you say. I'm enthusiastically agreeing. I will try to stop caveating, and we will both make a conscious effort to err on the side of assuming best intentions and being polite and generous - and we'll both attempt to avoid seeming condescending, OK?

Practice topic: Are white women the primary beneficiaries of Affirmative Action? Let's do our best." And later "Let's have a civil and productive conversation."

I'm smiling as I write this, I'm not annoyed at all, and I certainly don't think you're doing this on purpose, but the above is a great example of the tone I'm talking about. Do you see how this might read as:

"Let me reassert that we'll both attempt to do the thing you've already said you were going to do. OK?"

Or:

"Let's have a civil and productive discussion. Even though you've just said that you're going to attempt do that in future."

This is one aspect of the caveating I'm talking about. Comments like these feel as if I'm being gently guided by the hand by an encouraging parent because I can't handle a civil discussion without that guidance. Which doesn't feel so great coming from a stranger on the internet when you're an adult. As I said, I'm going to do my best to ignore this in future, but I'm trying to point out that you might be contributing to the reactions that are frustrating you.