I haven’t really wanted to touch my phone. all I want to do is sleep, not be awake for the pain and constant nausea.

I sit here connected to an IV pole, my new reality. I press the button for pain medication, but it’s never enough. but it’s also too much. I don’t want to sleep all day. become a zombie.

“you have a very large tumor sitting on your duodenum, blocking any liquid or food from passing through. you also have a lot of liquid pressing on your intestines now. we understand if you don’t want to proceed. you’ve been through so much, if you just want pain medicine and to be at peace, we support that.”

no food, no water. everything comes back up. but I still drink juice and tea anyway, it’s all I want. even when it comes back up 10 minutes later. painful. acidic.

I don’t pee yet my bladder will randomly leak all of the time. I feel 5 times my age physically at this point.

supposed to get a central catheter tomorrow but I don’t want to be in any more pain. i’m sick of the constant pain.

but when asked if I want to keep going I say of course. I can’t imagine going out peacefully at this point when I’ve been fighting for so long to stay alive. maybe this will work. maybe, and statistically much more likely, it won’t. but I want to try.