Free writing ..

..

Diminished

..

I push away care and kindness

like pebbles skimming the water

of a stream

The tears are in there, ready

Sarcasm is the impulse

Flying off

It echoes of screaming at you

But, seconds later, I slow down

and wish I could feel it

with my heart

Pull together my own seams

..

You are calm and safety

Can’t let it touch the fringes

I want to hear your voice

Yet can’t be quiet and absorb

the words

Shut you down

and I take out fear’s darts

To shoot them, pointlessly

To what, protect myself?

Sarcasm blends into me

and, head hangs, as I pick them up off the dirt

..

Sarcasm was the magic resource

And humour, dark humour, even

But, with you, I don’t want to

Feel like we’re on the same team

Lets never take a moment

Was taught not to

Lets hit beautiful and meaningful

with a red hot poker

Give them angry, so they can show

others, see what I mean?

..

Dismissive of what’s behind it all

But I love you and care

about everything you mean

You see my fire is dying out

But, they need to blame me

So lets stoke her

and fire it all off

If I could have paused for just a

second

You give me what I need

I ‘should’ breathe

I was the scape - to their G-O-A-T

The antidote to their avoidance

But, you tend to me

and to these reams

..

..

I diminish everything

Cos language can’t be real

Has to be wrapped in bluntness

and so wrong

When I talk about sex I say

I sh gged someone

The cringe of language that

feels romantic, or human

So shut off the fact

that intimacy, feels

..

I Minimise

(No niceness will permeate this

Teflon surface

and I apologise)

I will let you in

I really will

Nothing will penetrate this icy exterior

as Phoebe says from Friends (I think)

then crying

I can’t just let it properly sit

For a moment, it just has to hover over

Then move

Like moments that glide

Because you make such a difference to me

Help me

and the words lift