the last few years should never have happened but I think they have been about growing up in a lot of ways, on the accelerated timeline trans women who come out later are required to

the fairytale was magical, but it was also childish, and embracing the full bandwidth of the world is hard and disappointing, where nothing has an easy answer and best intentions sometimes aren’t enough

i feel like now i have reclaimed my voice, and it is not the same one as I had in December of 2023, and I better realize what it is and the impact that it has now

I was stuck in that rupture for so long, and I didn’t know what I wasn’t doing, I had multiple therapists, I added two new little green bottles to my daily regimen and I was still stuck, and other people knew it

if there was a turning point, I honestly think it was meeting Frances Lorenz in the digital ether and hearing for the first time from someone other than a therapist that what happened to me wasn’t okay, and I think feeling that awful form of sisterhood those of us who have been in the situation feel

so idk i guess life is strange and we’re all just trying our best, i have taken very seriously what the women who have reached out to me personally have said wrt them not feeling safe to bring things up publicly

this has to stop, you know? but it won’t, I am fully at the conclusion that this shit is so embedded in culture that the best you can do is to avoid it, or survive it and i guess i’ve done the latter, a book that was recommended to me says that the two things victims of trauma have to do is recover our voices and build new community, and here we are

i guess maybe what i want to say here is that at the start of 2024 people knew i was traumatized, maybe even knew i was too traumatized to even talk and many chose cruelty because i wasn’t like them or didn’t believe what they believe

so idk the world has really sucked for me in a lot of ways over the past few years and at a certain point i realized I was going to have to claw my way back just to survive and i did, and fuck anyone who’s going to make judgements that I didn’t do it gracefully enough