365 Days of Reflections (Day 95)

My eldest has always been very close to my mother-in-law.

He is her favourite. And I’ve always felt that she was his.

I remember when I was a new mum, with just one child, I used to feel a little jealous. It felt like I was losing my only son to her. Like I was slowly giving him up.

“She can have him. I’ll have the next one.”

That was what I told myself.

Every weekend, he chooses to sleep in her room.

I’m still breastfeeding the twins, so the older boys can’t sleep with me. The room is small, and we worry they might accidentally roll onto them.

So the twins and I take the tiniest room in the house.

It’s not quite a closet… but it’s not made for four boys.

Tonight, out of the blue, my eldest got teary-eyed and said he misses sleeping with me.

I was taken aback.

He usually chooses his grandmother.

But in that moment, I remembered something my mother-in-law once told me.

“Don’t worry. In the end, he will come back to you. You’re his mother.”

And then, unexpectedly, I felt a little guilty.

For having more than one child.

Because when you have more than one…

you are always, in some way, choosing between them.

Time. Attention. Presence.

Even when you try not to.

I hope they know.

I really do.

That I love each of them… very, very much.