“I Feel, Well, Nothing”

Scrolling through social media yesterday the news started pouring in that there was an assassination attempt on a former President. My initial instinct, seeing that it was trump, was that this was in some way staged. Another poorly orchestrated ploy to gin up some support for the flailing former President. As more facts started trickling in, a supporter in the crowd was killed, there was some footage of the shooting (though whomever, edited out the however many seconds when the actual shooting was taking place and cut to the secret service huddled around him. Why was trump popping his head up and fist pumping? It all seemed odd and not standard protocol). I started to get the sense that this was legitimate. Someone had attempted to assassinate a former President. I had not yet been born when Hinckley shot reagan. I remember when Gabby Giffords was shot. Being a native Washingtonian, vividly remember when Steve Scalise was shot at the Congressional baseball game (I naively thought, “now Congress will do something about gun control!” But if Newtown didn’t command action for change, then I should have known, nothing would). So, the news that someone tried to kill a former President at a rally should have left me aghast. However, I felt nothing. There was no sympathy, anger, joy, befuddlement, there was just indifference. I was and still am curious as to what exactly happened, but I feel nothing for the former President. This morning I find myself wondering why this is. As someone who is interested in preserving whatever democratic institutions/norms we have left, I naturally lean the other way, politically (not to mention I’m not a huge fan of illiterate, rapist career criminals who sell out our country to our foreign enemies). Would I feel different if it had been Biden getting shot at? Bush, Clinton? The sad answer I came to, was no. I don’t think I would feel any different had it been any other former/sitting President. Is it the all too common gun violence in this country, that sees an average of two mass shooting a day? Have I become numb to the never ending deluge of horrible political/climate/social news? Have I lost faith that our Federal and State governments have their constituents best interests in mind? The answer is, its all of these things and more. I have always been a cynic and a pessimist and these last two decades have done nothing but prove me right in my beliefs. Four years of trump pulled back the curtain on any remaining shred of faith I had that our institutions would be there to protect us citizens. That the Government of the United States was a beacon of democracy around the globe. Instead the truth was laid bare. We are a crumbling democracy that is ruled by oligarchs. Money and greed sway political decisions in a way not seen since the robber baron era (really Nancy Pelosi, you’re not even gonna let a bill banning Congressional stock trading come to the floor?). Social media has allowed our undereducated population to slurp up conspiracy theories and mis-information like the end scene in, Scarface. Our news outlets have been bought up by right-wing lunatic billionaires. It’s 2024 with a democrat in the White House and we’re allowing and contributing to the genocide of the Palestinian people. The horrors seem never ending. So, I will do the only thing I can, I will unenthusiastically vote for the lesser of two evils. I will try and get involved in community level politics and keep hoping that the tide will turn. I will hold onto the words of Bruce Waynes father in, The Dark Knight, when he says, “why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again.” (har har) But mostly, I just hope to feel something again.