Recently, I had occasion to go to the spa at the Mandarin Oriental, Knightsbridge, for a mammoth, multi-hour beautification process. As might be expected, it was all very enjoyable. What I noticed, however, was that the toilets of said spot were in no way superior to those of Lisnasharragh, my local council leisure centre.

Since becoming, from 2018 onwards, an international lit figure (tone:having a laugh) I have met all sorts of people. Pulitzer prize winners and so on. Renowned academics, critics, writers. I have liked the lot of them, really. But, broadly speaking, they have been no more interesting, perspicacious or funny than the people I already knew, prior to my launch into this orbit. When I’ve made this splashy pronouncement, those very same ‘ordinary’ people have at times been surpridingly disappointed. They’d rather believe a turbo realm exists out there. It doesn’t.