AGENT: You have to hook me with the first page. No, actually the first paragraph. No, first sentence. No, first word. You have to hook me with the first word of your 90k novel.

LITERARY RAGE BAITER: Pride and Prejudice wasn’t a romance novel. Also, anyone who says they enjoyed reading Ulysses is lying.

SUBSTACK GROWTH INFLUENCERS, EARLY 2025 EDITION: (To the tune of "Shots" by LMFAO) Notes! Notes! Notes-Notes-Notes-Notes. Everybody!

(Check back in tomorrow for 16 more archetypes covered in my Field Guide to Literary Substack, in which I roast everyone including myself).