I'm letting go of signing up for workshops and programs, and the continual search for certainty through endless consumption of self-help books. 2024 is the year of just doing for me
Last year, the year after my Mum died, an empty calendar filled me with anxiety, and I filled it to bursting point. I told myself it meant I was having fun, but now, after surrendering to a big depression that needed to be acknowledged and felt, I can see that I was just hiding.
Now, my calendar is very empty, and the plans I made with great excitement last year are now causing me some anxiety.... Will I be able to face them as the time comes? I'm seeing with absolute clarity that time to rest and be fully present to life now, rather than endlessly focusing on the next exciting thing, is the only way to manage my complex and difficult emotions.
I'm with you on the whole inexhaustive supply of tools and methods thing. The problem with ADHD, of course, is that we're at that crossroads of being distracted by the shiny things ('this thing will change your life!') and having a life that is somewhat chaotic and in need to organisational support. I've lost count of the number of times I've added something new to try to help me organise my life, used it for 5 minutes then never touched it again, but am too scared to unsubscribe from email lists or delete accounts because ... Just. In. Case. 😄
HAHAHA! Me too! But I am pretty vicious about putting things that didn't deliver into my spam filter. Every "opportunity" that didn't pan out, gets me one step closer to the next shiny object that might be helpful. Constant pruning so the weeds don't obscure the view of new shoots that you could benefit from.
I'm soooo terrible at pruning, sometimes because I'm worried about missing something interesting (then just repeatedly deleting the emails without reading them), other times worried about hurting the feelings of people by unsubscribing. I think I need to go have a gentle word with myself ... 😩😂
I say ignore the naysayers and go with inexhaustive as a word. :) I'd add that the supply of self-improvement tools is not only inexhaustive, but also exhausting. Your post struck a chord with me because I've been struggling with trying to find and focus on the most important things, and avoid getting distracted by every new "opportunity" to become more productive and organized.
This is where new vocabulary comes from! So I vote for inexhaustive and will try to use it to give the idea some traction.
I try not to spend too much time trying to decide whether to include a podcast or such on my calendar. And I subscribe to lots of stuff that don't deliver on their promise. So, I pare down regularly: I skip a podcast on my calendar, and will be less likely to sign up next time they dangle a shiny email in my box. And I make liberal use of the Spam filter, tagging emails as soon as I notice I am skipping over them. It is like gardening. The bushes are always growing, and constant pruning and maintenance improves the outcome.
I code my "appointments" by color. Some are necessary, and involve other people to whom I've committed to be there. Some are placeholders for things I want to do, like read a book I'm working on. And another color for workshops or other quasi-public stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but could be skipped with little disruption. So when I'm feeling hemmed in, or life interrupts and my schedule needs some air, I know right away what to delete or maybe move to another day. And when I caught Covid (again) I could clear my calendar really fast, only needing to arrange with other humans those bookings that are actual appointments.
And I am often amazed at things on my calendar that seemed like a good idea at the time, but now aren't really adding to my life -- boop! gone!
1. My calendar currently doesn’t contain much that I don’t genuinely have to or want to do. That’s something to be thankful for, even though it took serious chronic illness to get there.
2. I have most certainly chosen to abstain from consuming self-improvement content for Lent in the past and will probably do so again. It’s much more of a distraction in my life than, say, chocolate.
My monthly calendar is pretty sparce, the joy of being in my 70s...
My daily To Do List is pretty long and engaging. Care for hens, walk dogs, feed wild birds, tidy house, text /family/friends. That list needs to be cut down often. Really, the trash can go out tomorrow. And no humans see the dust under the bed. And last Fall I did not rake leaves At All, (the little eco system below thanks me now). ---The result is Two Trips (not one) to the Dog Park, more time to learn Turkish (neighbors mom is coming this summer from there), and enjoy life. Hoşçakal
1. My calendar has ten things on it. Four are not appointments, but identifications of the day (e.g. Candlemas Night, Ash Wednesday). One is crossed out (it was a social event I was rather looking forward to, but the host came down with COVID and had to cancel). One is a livestream (that I paid good money for and really want to see). Two involve my mental health (my monthly session with my therapist, and my periodic visit with my psychiatrist). The remaining two are meetings with my writers group (which is pretty essential making my work the best it can be). Which is to say, there's nothing on it that I remotely want to remove. On top of that, I work from home, and I kind of need to schedule things to force me to get out of my pajamas and leave the house.
2. Maybe cutting down on social media accounts, which I've functionally done, because the only social media I check regularly is Mastodon, because it has a great writing community.
3. I think the word you are looking for is "inexhaustible." My Merriam-Webster app just looked at me funny when I put in "inexhaustive."
1. Between November and March is often a very dead time for me musically, so I'm actually looking to fill up my calendar in a lot of ways. I have been hermit-ing for months now and I'm ready to get out. I've just been invited to be in a quartet (flute, bassoon, violin, & viola — a nice combo) and it's so good to feel like a person again, to just get together and let sounds be sounds.
2. Since I'm moving in 5 months, I am MarieKondoing things. Today it was books I know I don't need and books I need to look through to figure out whether I still need them. Next up will be clothes!
3. Inexhaustive is being marked as not a word here in this very comment and yet it's much more definitely a word than hermiting or mariekondoing, and yet and yet those are now words, too.
Thankfully, yes, I'm able to remove things from my calendar. In fact, I only just started to keep an electronic calendar again in January. It had been two years of only a paper calendar from my realtor. Tiny boxes of white space for each day. Which meant, you really couldn't fill it up with much. I needed white space. Very badly. Now, today, if i have every square of the week with something in it, I realize I've overcommitted. It's easy with a paper calendar with 7 squares for the week. Just keep a few empty and white and you'll know it will be a good week. My two cents! :)
Your post made me happy because I realized I barely have any commitments in my schedule nowadays. Although, I do have some todo items here and there and I need to refine those and update them for sure.
I use a monthly wall planner. Although it's quite large, there's only so much room in each blank box. And I write large enough to see without squinting. So, the most items I can squeeze into a box is four. Now four engagements a day is usually one or two too many. As a result, I'm slightly over-committed every week. When, as often happens, my need for rest catches up with me, I simply cancel and take a day off; sometimes twice in one week.
I've been working constantly on improving my health for the last 22 years, since my career in software systems came to a crashing halt with fibromyalgia and CFS - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Now, I'm back to gardening, cooking my meals and playing with my dogs every day; running again every other day; volunteering at two or three local community organisations; meeting with friends in social artists' groups for regular workshops; playing keyboards and writing music - on the schedule! - once a week; and playing social bingo with friends once or twice a week, depending on my energy levels; and hosting a spa pool party every Saturday evening for friends. I'm busy, but not too busy. Not a bad level of activity for somebody who, 20 years ago, could hardly roll out of bed to use the bathroom!
But I do spend way too much time reading email and checking social media. It's mostly non-productive - of anything but giving friends emotional support. And there, I'm definitely stretched too thin.
I think I have email under control, sort of ...! I only check email once every day or two, even less often when I'm unwell. Most emails are automatically sorted into distinct folders based on my needs and interests (I have hundreds of folders!), so that I don't bother inspecting some of them except when I want to - maybe once a week, or even once a month. Business-related folders are checked twice or thrice a week. Occasionally, I decide the return on investment of my time is too low, then unsubscribe from that particular regular email sender. Perhaps I should do so more often?
I now think twice about joining a new group on social media, although I rarely unsubscribe. Maybe I could only check the various groups once a week, rather than daily? Should I schedule this on my planner, what do you think?
I’m new to the realization that I have ADHD … there wasn’t a lot of info on it that reached me…so I heard of it but only in hyperactive children. I say this because I’m struggling in particular with calendars/ lists/ alarms to help me remember what I have to do…I haven’t found anything that really works for me (so I can not panic as much) other than Reminders on Apple devices. I’ve tried several… is there any tools anyone finds particularly helpful? Also for business… thanks!
This is such a epically important issue!!!! Yes to less! Doing less = doing more meaningful things = deep liberation.
I spend a TON of time in my inner work, discussing what I REALLY want to do.
So much of the difficulty of deciding what I really want to do, has to do with the fact that some parts of me want to do some things, but other parts do not want to do those things. So I have internal conflicts about who wants to do what, when.
Even though it can be extremely tedious at times, hashing out these conflict results in more clarity about what everyone really wants to do. And these very challenging inner conversations have the benefit of clarifying what all my parts value, and helps everyone understand each other. Which helps me have more clarity of purpose.
If a decision gets completely complicated — to the point where there are 10 different parts, who want what seem to be 10 different opposing things — I will use a mind map or a conference table to organize all the different voices that have different opinions about what we should do because I can’t hold more than three or four opposing opinions at a time in my mind.
But whatever method I use to work out these conflicts, it’s always so valuable to have all the voices in my mind weigh in on their opinions about what we should do, so that we can come to some kind of consensus, and feel more clear and unified and how we spend our time.
The reality is, we have extremely limited time and resources. Every part of us is not going to get what they want all the time. But I find that if I listen to what my parts want, even if they don’t get what they want, they feel better because they were heard! So these conversations also help parts of me accept not getting what they want, because at least they were heard and seen and not just trampled over and ignored.
Sometimes letting go of things on the calendar is about acknowledging the desire to do things, and not so much about actually getting to do the things.
I’m inspired to have even more of these inner conversations after this post. No matter how much time I spend on paring down my calendar, I know for sure I can do an even better job of letting go of more! Thanks for the reminder, Chris!!
I'm letting go of signing up for workshops and programs, and the continual search for certainty through endless consumption of self-help books. 2024 is the year of just doing for me
Me too
Same 🌻
Last year, the year after my Mum died, an empty calendar filled me with anxiety, and I filled it to bursting point. I told myself it meant I was having fun, but now, after surrendering to a big depression that needed to be acknowledged and felt, I can see that I was just hiding.
Now, my calendar is very empty, and the plans I made with great excitement last year are now causing me some anxiety.... Will I be able to face them as the time comes? I'm seeing with absolute clarity that time to rest and be fully present to life now, rather than endlessly focusing on the next exciting thing, is the only way to manage my complex and difficult emotions.
I'm with you on the whole inexhaustive supply of tools and methods thing. The problem with ADHD, of course, is that we're at that crossroads of being distracted by the shiny things ('this thing will change your life!') and having a life that is somewhat chaotic and in need to organisational support. I've lost count of the number of times I've added something new to try to help me organise my life, used it for 5 minutes then never touched it again, but am too scared to unsubscribe from email lists or delete accounts because ... Just. In. Case. 😄
HAHAHA! Me too! But I am pretty vicious about putting things that didn't deliver into my spam filter. Every "opportunity" that didn't pan out, gets me one step closer to the next shiny object that might be helpful. Constant pruning so the weeds don't obscure the view of new shoots that you could benefit from.
I'm soooo terrible at pruning, sometimes because I'm worried about missing something interesting (then just repeatedly deleting the emails without reading them), other times worried about hurting the feelings of people by unsubscribing. I think I need to go have a gentle word with myself ... 😩😂
I say ignore the naysayers and go with inexhaustive as a word. :) I'd add that the supply of self-improvement tools is not only inexhaustive, but also exhausting. Your post struck a chord with me because I've been struggling with trying to find and focus on the most important things, and avoid getting distracted by every new "opportunity" to become more productive and organized.
This is where new vocabulary comes from! So I vote for inexhaustive and will try to use it to give the idea some traction.
I try not to spend too much time trying to decide whether to include a podcast or such on my calendar. And I subscribe to lots of stuff that don't deliver on their promise. So, I pare down regularly: I skip a podcast on my calendar, and will be less likely to sign up next time they dangle a shiny email in my box. And I make liberal use of the Spam filter, tagging emails as soon as I notice I am skipping over them. It is like gardening. The bushes are always growing, and constant pruning and maintenance improves the outcome.
I code my "appointments" by color. Some are necessary, and involve other people to whom I've committed to be there. Some are placeholders for things I want to do, like read a book I'm working on. And another color for workshops or other quasi-public stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but could be skipped with little disruption. So when I'm feeling hemmed in, or life interrupts and my schedule needs some air, I know right away what to delete or maybe move to another day. And when I caught Covid (again) I could clear my calendar really fast, only needing to arrange with other humans those bookings that are actual appointments.
And I am often amazed at things on my calendar that seemed like a good idea at the time, but now aren't really adding to my life -- boop! gone!
1. My calendar currently doesn’t contain much that I don’t genuinely have to or want to do. That’s something to be thankful for, even though it took serious chronic illness to get there.
2. I have most certainly chosen to abstain from consuming self-improvement content for Lent in the past and will probably do so again. It’s much more of a distraction in my life than, say, chocolate.
My monthly calendar is pretty sparce, the joy of being in my 70s...
My daily To Do List is pretty long and engaging. Care for hens, walk dogs, feed wild birds, tidy house, text /family/friends. That list needs to be cut down often. Really, the trash can go out tomorrow. And no humans see the dust under the bed. And last Fall I did not rake leaves At All, (the little eco system below thanks me now). ---The result is Two Trips (not one) to the Dog Park, more time to learn Turkish (neighbors mom is coming this summer from there), and enjoy life. Hoşçakal
1. My calendar has ten things on it. Four are not appointments, but identifications of the day (e.g. Candlemas Night, Ash Wednesday). One is crossed out (it was a social event I was rather looking forward to, but the host came down with COVID and had to cancel). One is a livestream (that I paid good money for and really want to see). Two involve my mental health (my monthly session with my therapist, and my periodic visit with my psychiatrist). The remaining two are meetings with my writers group (which is pretty essential making my work the best it can be). Which is to say, there's nothing on it that I remotely want to remove. On top of that, I work from home, and I kind of need to schedule things to force me to get out of my pajamas and leave the house.
2. Maybe cutting down on social media accounts, which I've functionally done, because the only social media I check regularly is Mastodon, because it has a great writing community.
3. I think the word you are looking for is "inexhaustible." My Merriam-Webster app just looked at me funny when I put in "inexhaustive."
But Collins says: https://www.google.com/search?q=inexhaustive&pws=0&gl=us&gws_rd=cr
Yes! Inexhaustible. Which leads to resilience.
Terrific advice. I finally learned to say “NO” and it worked out great.
1. Between November and March is often a very dead time for me musically, so I'm actually looking to fill up my calendar in a lot of ways. I have been hermit-ing for months now and I'm ready to get out. I've just been invited to be in a quartet (flute, bassoon, violin, & viola — a nice combo) and it's so good to feel like a person again, to just get together and let sounds be sounds.
2. Since I'm moving in 5 months, I am MarieKondoing things. Today it was books I know I don't need and books I need to look through to figure out whether I still need them. Next up will be clothes!
3. Inexhaustive is being marked as not a word here in this very comment and yet it's much more definitely a word than hermiting or mariekondoing, and yet and yet those are now words, too.
Thankfully, yes, I'm able to remove things from my calendar. In fact, I only just started to keep an electronic calendar again in January. It had been two years of only a paper calendar from my realtor. Tiny boxes of white space for each day. Which meant, you really couldn't fill it up with much. I needed white space. Very badly. Now, today, if i have every square of the week with something in it, I realize I've overcommitted. It's easy with a paper calendar with 7 squares for the week. Just keep a few empty and white and you'll know it will be a good week. My two cents! :)
Your post made me happy because I realized I barely have any commitments in my schedule nowadays. Although, I do have some todo items here and there and I need to refine those and update them for sure.
Thanks for the post!
I use a monthly wall planner. Although it's quite large, there's only so much room in each blank box. And I write large enough to see without squinting. So, the most items I can squeeze into a box is four. Now four engagements a day is usually one or two too many. As a result, I'm slightly over-committed every week. When, as often happens, my need for rest catches up with me, I simply cancel and take a day off; sometimes twice in one week.
I've been working constantly on improving my health for the last 22 years, since my career in software systems came to a crashing halt with fibromyalgia and CFS - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Now, I'm back to gardening, cooking my meals and playing with my dogs every day; running again every other day; volunteering at two or three local community organisations; meeting with friends in social artists' groups for regular workshops; playing keyboards and writing music - on the schedule! - once a week; and playing social bingo with friends once or twice a week, depending on my energy levels; and hosting a spa pool party every Saturday evening for friends. I'm busy, but not too busy. Not a bad level of activity for somebody who, 20 years ago, could hardly roll out of bed to use the bathroom!
But I do spend way too much time reading email and checking social media. It's mostly non-productive - of anything but giving friends emotional support. And there, I'm definitely stretched too thin.
I think I have email under control, sort of ...! I only check email once every day or two, even less often when I'm unwell. Most emails are automatically sorted into distinct folders based on my needs and interests (I have hundreds of folders!), so that I don't bother inspecting some of them except when I want to - maybe once a week, or even once a month. Business-related folders are checked twice or thrice a week. Occasionally, I decide the return on investment of my time is too low, then unsubscribe from that particular regular email sender. Perhaps I should do so more often?
I now think twice about joining a new group on social media, although I rarely unsubscribe. Maybe I could only check the various groups once a week, rather than daily? Should I schedule this on my planner, what do you think?
I’m new to the realization that I have ADHD … there wasn’t a lot of info on it that reached me…so I heard of it but only in hyperactive children. I say this because I’m struggling in particular with calendars/ lists/ alarms to help me remember what I have to do…I haven’t found anything that really works for me (so I can not panic as much) other than Reminders on Apple devices. I’ve tried several… is there any tools anyone finds particularly helpful? Also for business… thanks!
"inexhaustible" is the word you wanted. ;)
This is such a epically important issue!!!! Yes to less! Doing less = doing more meaningful things = deep liberation.
I spend a TON of time in my inner work, discussing what I REALLY want to do.
So much of the difficulty of deciding what I really want to do, has to do with the fact that some parts of me want to do some things, but other parts do not want to do those things. So I have internal conflicts about who wants to do what, when.
Even though it can be extremely tedious at times, hashing out these conflict results in more clarity about what everyone really wants to do. And these very challenging inner conversations have the benefit of clarifying what all my parts value, and helps everyone understand each other. Which helps me have more clarity of purpose.
If a decision gets completely complicated — to the point where there are 10 different parts, who want what seem to be 10 different opposing things — I will use a mind map or a conference table to organize all the different voices that have different opinions about what we should do because I can’t hold more than three or four opposing opinions at a time in my mind.
But whatever method I use to work out these conflicts, it’s always so valuable to have all the voices in my mind weigh in on their opinions about what we should do, so that we can come to some kind of consensus, and feel more clear and unified and how we spend our time.
The reality is, we have extremely limited time and resources. Every part of us is not going to get what they want all the time. But I find that if I listen to what my parts want, even if they don’t get what they want, they feel better because they were heard! So these conversations also help parts of me accept not getting what they want, because at least they were heard and seen and not just trampled over and ignored.
Sometimes letting go of things on the calendar is about acknowledging the desire to do things, and not so much about actually getting to do the things.
I’m inspired to have even more of these inner conversations after this post. No matter how much time I spend on paring down my calendar, I know for sure I can do an even better job of letting go of more! Thanks for the reminder, Chris!!