I personally spent all of 2023 working with a therapist, largely circling around this exact question. Ultimately, I have discovered that I wasn't spending my time in activities that aligned with my values, because various traumas had set up "automatic" reactions that felt inevitable. I had internalized unhelpful expectations about the world that robbed my motivation, and dismantling those expectations has changed everything.
I am finding that as I heal from past trauma, my behavior automatically becomes more aligned with my values. I won't say it's effortless, because I've been working my butt off doing some pretty scary things... But it's the difference between trying to scale a sheer cliff and climbing a long staircase. It suddenly feels possible.
I don't know about anyone else, but the "why?" question never helped me before therapy. Asking the question made me realize that my behavior wasn't aligned with my values, but I didn't understand why I couldn't just buckle down, hustle it out, and make things happen. Every attempt ended in writer's block and depression, because every attempt to engage in meaningful work triggered defense mechanisms built around past traumas. I didn't even realize the unconscious ways that my brain and body were sabotaging me.
I still have a lot of work to do in 2024, but I'm more optimistic about the future than I've ever been. For anyone who finds themselves saying, "I know what I need to do, why don't I just do the thing?" I highly recommend talking to a good therapist, if you're in a position to access those services. Even if it takes a few tries to find someone who is right for you, it's so worth it.
Good for you, Ari. I love your analogy about the sheer cliff vs the stairway. I've been working with a therapist as well - and it's been life-changing. Here's to a bright 2024!
Absolutely. 2024 is going to be a good year. Something just feels different. Everyone I talk to seems to be more optimistic and ready to face their challenges. Good luck to you on your journey!
Totally agree. It's very difficult to see on your own why you are doing things or why your life is a certain way, because so much is driven by unconscious traumas from the past. Our society has a tendency to "think positive", "put the past in the past", etc. and that can work to a certain degree. You can make a successful looking life and even feel pretty good about it. But it often is one with anxiety, a feeling of "isn't there more?", or with disconnection to your body, your soul or the moment. Rather than one of joy, meaning, presence, connection, etc.
At 59 I really thought I had worked through my past, but it is so accepted in cancer circles that this trauma work is the critical piece in full recovery, that I began reading a lot of books and going to therapy. And now I see everything in a different way.
In the past decades they have learned so much about how even small things, especially when early in childhood, change the way your central nervous system responds to stressors. (Polyvagal theory, the limbic system and vagal nerve, etc.) Even the stress your mother had when you were in the womb changes your cortisol levels for life and affects your stress response and health. Gabor Mate "The Myth of Normal" and "When the Body Says No", Peter Bessel van der Kolk "The Body Keeps the Score", Peter Levine. They are all on Youtube too giving interviews, and education comes first.
This is very true, although we have to remember that not all "trauma work" is made equally. There are some real scams out there right now. That being said, some of the seemingly "woo woo" stuff has worked for me. I think sometimes it comes down to the difference between "medical treatment" and "comfort." For the former, there needs to be scientific backing, but for the latter... Well, if it makes your life measurably better, then go for it!
So much of psychology is subjective. Until we better understand the brain-body connection, it all comes back to just trying things and then watching the results.
There are bad actors out there building on that research in ways that are.... not so much backed by those findings, and it can easily muddy the waters for those who aren't educated on how to assess credibility. It comes up on my Facebook ads a lot, probably because I'm in therapy and the internet tracks everything we do now. :P
For that matter, there seem to be a LOT of credentialed therapists out there claiming to be practicing cognitive behavioral therapy who just...aren't. It took me five tries to find a therapist who actually practiced the form of therapy that he claimed to practice. It's a wild and wooly world out there.
I'm just saying to the peanut gallery who might read this later: Be a savvy consumer, especially when it comes to people on the internet offering to help you cure your trauma for the low, low price of...
For the sake of academic honesty: I stole the "medical treatment vs. comfort" thing from Justin McElroy (of Sawbones fame). But it's a very great way of summarizing the issue! :)
My "why this, why now?" has grown a bit to fit my desire to overcome self-imposed limitations - I now tend to use "Why not this? Why not now? Why not ME?". The last one has been crucial to ferreting out the roots of my pattern of self-sabotage. The phrase "Sez who?" crops up a lot for me now. Who says I can't do x, y, or z? Usually fear. I know it's a safety mechanism, but honestly - Doing This, Now, Because I Want To is where I'm focusing my life. (And it's amazing the choices that open up when you question the why... and the why not!)
I loved hearing your voice, now I can hear it in my head when reading words on the page. It's fascinating to me that asking WHY was a developmental stage (albeit an annoying one) that my kids went through. What power we embrace to return to asking WHY.
1. In 2023 I escaped a toxic relationship and 2024 is all about two action words: rest and heal. I am hoping through therapy to unpack my why in every aspect of my life.
2. Being present for others is putting away my phone and making eye contact. Being present for myself is asking what I need right now and what lights me up.
3. Because negativity infected me, I often ask "Why not?" when I need to joyfully jump into something.
Running a Marathon, World Cruise, Sky Diving are "Off the List".
Walking dogs, feeding hens, learning Turkish, binge watching Turkish shows, sending pix with friends/family to make them smile. Enjoying the pix they send back to me. I try to live in the present.
But I really want to grow and Embrace This Incredible Time in History!!!
I’ve found that I’m most present when I’m doing something new, out of my comfort zone, or something that requires great focus. Recently I was in NZ staying in a pretty remote area. I decided to get out of the house and go for a drive. The roads had been damaged by terrible storms the year prior. There was still a lot of construction and many sections down to one lane (on roads that were already the size of one lane). On top of that I was driving on the opposite side of the road. I was extremely present and focused on driving and each turn before me. It’s actually the most present I’ve felt in a long time. I felt so awake and completely clear. It was an incredible feeling that I wish I could recreate more often.
I am hoping in 2024 to slay my depression/anxiety dragon once and for all. Working on it diligently (I've been dealing with both for decades) and have already made major strides that I'm happy about.
Asking "why" is part of the above strategy, but I have been trying to incorporate it for a few years now. Difference now is that I'm truly giving each question the in-depth observation it deserves, so it's now actually making a genuine difference in my day-to-day life.
For me, the quickest and easiest way to be present in my life is to get out of my head and into my body. One of the ways that I have learned to do this (because I am a very cognitive person) is to use the five senses exercise, which is literally just asking yourself what do I see, what do I hear, what do I smell, what do I taste, and what sensations do I feel on my skin. Doing this has been super helpful for me and it is something I teach to my clients, especially those with anxiety. So I hope it might be helpful to some of you as well :)
Working with an occupational therapist and a job developer. I have the hard copy and online copies of the $100 Startup. Would like to apply principles to a profitable year of mental health to change my life in 2024 to have abundance and mental wellness supports. Really enjoying everything so far. Feeling a bit down because I just quit my job. Excited to start new projects in 2024-2025.
In Canada, I have access to a vocational service agency that has JD, OTs and peer support workers. With my mental health challenges, the JD helps me work on my marketability in employment. With my current employer, the JDs have helped me negotiate workplace accommodations and WorkBC opportunities grants to sustain having getting hired and having a job.
What is a Job Developer?
A job developer is responsible for seeking out or creating jobs for potential candidates. These human resources professionals may work in the public sector, such as for a social service agency, or for private employers or hiring agencies.
The Job Developer is responsible for creating job opportunities for individuals who have difficulty marketing themselves to employers (Market Perception Barriers). Job Developers make a crucial link between the job seeker and the local business community.
I loved the audio format and loved the music you used for the background. It was very grounding.
I asked this question of “why am I doing this” while listening to this audio and I loved my answers - to spend time for myself, to be inspired, to feel connected. Thank you for creating this space.
I really appreciate what you said about living in the present but not ignoring the past and planning for the future. I find that sometimes asking the question of “why” when I’m feeling unsatisfied is also helpful to reframe the past ie reflecting on something I do today that I feel no longer serves me and reminding myself why I did it in the first place makes me reframe towards gratitude rather than frustration and helps me move forward.
I loved the audio format too. And I usually prefer reading but this was introspective, peaceful, grounding ... almost like a meditation. And for someone who has a very hard time meditating - I loved this format. To the other comment that you can’t please everyone all the time, it’s true. At least there’s a choice. If you don’t like the audio, the written word is still there too. Best of both, and a nice addition every know and again. ❤️
Take this with many grains of salt and file under #cantpleaseeveryoneallthetime (also, not personal to you, Alli; it's just that reading it made me think of it): I hate the audio format and found the music distracting and unnecessary. I think it's also why I dislike most online course offerings — it's all videos and no reading. It drives me bonkers. Different strokes for different folks, shooby dooby dooby...
At the risk of talking to myself, I want to clarify this to be more constructive (again, directed as feedback to Chris): It's about editing, for me. Unedited audio and video is difficult for me to sit through. I get that it's supposed to feel like a natural conversation with a friend, but 99% of the time, it doesn't feel that way to me, probably because I'm a cooperative overlap kind of conversationalist. A book, for example, is highly edited, plus I can skim or skip or spend more time as my brain needs to. Speeding up audio/video is not the same as skimming for me; it just makes it harder to parse. I appreciated the bullet points and read those first. Then I listened to the audio and felt it subtracted rather than added to the experience. Obviously, many people feel differently! I just wanted to provide data from the other side of the spectrum of responses.
1. I am hoping that we can continue to help our kid feel safe and calm and that they can either access school or we can unschool in a way that will be relatively low-stress.
2. I can be present when I am working (teaching, writing, creating) or playing music (had a lovely rehearsal this week with a new free improv quartet). When things are difficult — and they have been this past year — and I have "down time," that's when it's harder to be present and easy to slip into fantasy land, what ifs, omg-this-is-a-total-shit-show, and so on.
3. I think I mentioned this already, but instead of why I often ask "How can I make this easier without sacrificing quality?" That usually helps cover other questions like, Do I really need this? (Why is this in here?), Is this really what people need from me? (Why am I putting this energy here?), Is this too complicated? (Why is this so involved?), Is anyone going to complain? (Why would people care?)
I loved the audio, it was beautiful! I found the music so soothing...I looked at the fall photo while listening. I thought about how I need to focus more on me this year and beyond. My life has been about other people...unfortunately toxic narcissistic people....it’s been a long road through childhood trauma and like the others mentioned therapy will be a next step along with moving away from a toxic situation. Since January 2023 I spent time learning about narcissism and toxic family systems...and it answered a lot of Why’s for me...why I second guessed myself, why I had trouble making decisions, why I felt confused, why I had no dreams or thought about my future as a child etc. I’m still learning about what happened to me and how I can recover and heal from it. If anyone else is in this type of situation Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teahan LCSW both on YouTube were very helpful. On another note....be present be mindful...I can do in short spurts...like listening to the sound of my footsteps while I’m out walking....I find in those moments there is incredible peace.
Love the audio format! As an entrepreneur with ADHD, I always appreciate an audio version over a written version of anything! I even use MS Edge to read webpages to me! 😄 I'm always doing something and when I have to choose between what I'm doing with reading, I always choose to do that thing before reading. And I often don't get time to go back to read whatever it was I postponed. Today I was doing some photo editing and simultaneously listened to this post of yours. It was quite soothing; nice music. 😌 Keep the audio posts coming! 👏🏼
Loved the content, but I wanted to note that I only read it and didn't listen. I have a strong preference for written content over audio, at least for a newsletter that I subscribed to thinking it would be written; if this is going to turn into a podcast instead, I'd rather have that separately (i.e., I subscribe to it in my podcast app) rather than getting an email about it.
Perfect timing too. Last night at dinner I read a few paragraphs of the draft of chapter 2 of my "Dare to Escape" book project (which I'm writing in public here on Substack).
They asked me "what's the goal with this? Why are you doing it?"
My answer: "because the world is changing. It has changed, and people are going to need help navigating what it means to have a career. I feel that i can help. "
Then I proceeded to share an experience that I lived through in 2004, and judging by the emphatic reactions I hit a nerve. I'm on the right track.
Absolutely love this audio format Chris. It's a beautiful meditation for me to start my day today.
I personally spent all of 2023 working with a therapist, largely circling around this exact question. Ultimately, I have discovered that I wasn't spending my time in activities that aligned with my values, because various traumas had set up "automatic" reactions that felt inevitable. I had internalized unhelpful expectations about the world that robbed my motivation, and dismantling those expectations has changed everything.
I am finding that as I heal from past trauma, my behavior automatically becomes more aligned with my values. I won't say it's effortless, because I've been working my butt off doing some pretty scary things... But it's the difference between trying to scale a sheer cliff and climbing a long staircase. It suddenly feels possible.
I don't know about anyone else, but the "why?" question never helped me before therapy. Asking the question made me realize that my behavior wasn't aligned with my values, but I didn't understand why I couldn't just buckle down, hustle it out, and make things happen. Every attempt ended in writer's block and depression, because every attempt to engage in meaningful work triggered defense mechanisms built around past traumas. I didn't even realize the unconscious ways that my brain and body were sabotaging me.
I still have a lot of work to do in 2024, but I'm more optimistic about the future than I've ever been. For anyone who finds themselves saying, "I know what I need to do, why don't I just do the thing?" I highly recommend talking to a good therapist, if you're in a position to access those services. Even if it takes a few tries to find someone who is right for you, it's so worth it.
Good for you, Ari. I love your analogy about the sheer cliff vs the stairway. I've been working with a therapist as well - and it's been life-changing. Here's to a bright 2024!
Absolutely. 2024 is going to be a good year. Something just feels different. Everyone I talk to seems to be more optimistic and ready to face their challenges. Good luck to you on your journey!
100% agree with seeking professional help, it saved my life.
Totally agree. It's very difficult to see on your own why you are doing things or why your life is a certain way, because so much is driven by unconscious traumas from the past. Our society has a tendency to "think positive", "put the past in the past", etc. and that can work to a certain degree. You can make a successful looking life and even feel pretty good about it. But it often is one with anxiety, a feeling of "isn't there more?", or with disconnection to your body, your soul or the moment. Rather than one of joy, meaning, presence, connection, etc.
At 59 I really thought I had worked through my past, but it is so accepted in cancer circles that this trauma work is the critical piece in full recovery, that I began reading a lot of books and going to therapy. And now I see everything in a different way.
In the past decades they have learned so much about how even small things, especially when early in childhood, change the way your central nervous system responds to stressors. (Polyvagal theory, the limbic system and vagal nerve, etc.) Even the stress your mother had when you were in the womb changes your cortisol levels for life and affects your stress response and health. Gabor Mate "The Myth of Normal" and "When the Body Says No", Peter Bessel van der Kolk "The Body Keeps the Score", Peter Levine. They are all on Youtube too giving interviews, and education comes first.
This is very true, although we have to remember that not all "trauma work" is made equally. There are some real scams out there right now. That being said, some of the seemingly "woo woo" stuff has worked for me. I think sometimes it comes down to the difference between "medical treatment" and "comfort." For the former, there needs to be scientific backing, but for the latter... Well, if it makes your life measurably better, then go for it!
So much of psychology is subjective. Until we better understand the brain-body connection, it all comes back to just trying things and then watching the results.
The trauma stuff, polyvagal theory, EMDR, etc has a lot of scientific research.
There are bad actors out there building on that research in ways that are.... not so much backed by those findings, and it can easily muddy the waters for those who aren't educated on how to assess credibility. It comes up on my Facebook ads a lot, probably because I'm in therapy and the internet tracks everything we do now. :P
For that matter, there seem to be a LOT of credentialed therapists out there claiming to be practicing cognitive behavioral therapy who just...aren't. It took me five tries to find a therapist who actually practiced the form of therapy that he claimed to practice. It's a wild and wooly world out there.
I'm just saying to the peanut gallery who might read this later: Be a savvy consumer, especially when it comes to people on the internet offering to help you cure your trauma for the low, low price of...
Well that's true of all doctors, buyer beware. I know more about the latest cancer research than most of the oncologists.
For the sake of academic honesty: I stole the "medical treatment vs. comfort" thing from Justin McElroy (of Sawbones fame). But it's a very great way of summarizing the issue! :)
My "why this, why now?" has grown a bit to fit my desire to overcome self-imposed limitations - I now tend to use "Why not this? Why not now? Why not ME?". The last one has been crucial to ferreting out the roots of my pattern of self-sabotage. The phrase "Sez who?" crops up a lot for me now. Who says I can't do x, y, or z? Usually fear. I know it's a safety mechanism, but honestly - Doing This, Now, Because I Want To is where I'm focusing my life. (And it's amazing the choices that open up when you question the why... and the why not!)
I loved hearing your voice, now I can hear it in my head when reading words on the page. It's fascinating to me that asking WHY was a developmental stage (albeit an annoying one) that my kids went through. What power we embrace to return to asking WHY.
1. In 2023 I escaped a toxic relationship and 2024 is all about two action words: rest and heal. I am hoping through therapy to unpack my why in every aspect of my life.
2. Being present for others is putting away my phone and making eye contact. Being present for myself is asking what I need right now and what lights me up.
3. Because negativity infected me, I often ask "Why not?" when I need to joyfully jump into something.
Why? Do I do the things I do at 73yr.
To improve my Mental Health
To improve my Social Health
To make the small world around me better.
Running a Marathon, World Cruise, Sky Diving are "Off the List".
Walking dogs, feeding hens, learning Turkish, binge watching Turkish shows, sending pix with friends/family to make them smile. Enjoying the pix they send back to me. I try to live in the present.
But I really want to grow and Embrace This Incredible Time in History!!!
Great audio entry, Chris! Perfect. The content, as usual, is thought provoking.
I’ve found that I’m most present when I’m doing something new, out of my comfort zone, or something that requires great focus. Recently I was in NZ staying in a pretty remote area. I decided to get out of the house and go for a drive. The roads had been damaged by terrible storms the year prior. There was still a lot of construction and many sections down to one lane (on roads that were already the size of one lane). On top of that I was driving on the opposite side of the road. I was extremely present and focused on driving and each turn before me. It’s actually the most present I’ve felt in a long time. I felt so awake and completely clear. It was an incredible feeling that I wish I could recreate more often.
I am hoping in 2024 to slay my depression/anxiety dragon once and for all. Working on it diligently (I've been dealing with both for decades) and have already made major strides that I'm happy about.
Asking "why" is part of the above strategy, but I have been trying to incorporate it for a few years now. Difference now is that I'm truly giving each question the in-depth observation it deserves, so it's now actually making a genuine difference in my day-to-day life.
For me, the quickest and easiest way to be present in my life is to get out of my head and into my body. One of the ways that I have learned to do this (because I am a very cognitive person) is to use the five senses exercise, which is literally just asking yourself what do I see, what do I hear, what do I smell, what do I taste, and what sensations do I feel on my skin. Doing this has been super helpful for me and it is something I teach to my clients, especially those with anxiety. So I hope it might be helpful to some of you as well :)
Working with an occupational therapist and a job developer. I have the hard copy and online copies of the $100 Startup. Would like to apply principles to a profitable year of mental health to change my life in 2024 to have abundance and mental wellness supports. Really enjoying everything so far. Feeling a bit down because I just quit my job. Excited to start new projects in 2024-2025.
I trust you had good reasons to leave that job Barbara. What does a "job developer " do? First time I've heard of that.
In Canada, I have access to a vocational service agency that has JD, OTs and peer support workers. With my mental health challenges, the JD helps me work on my marketability in employment. With my current employer, the JDs have helped me negotiate workplace accommodations and WorkBC opportunities grants to sustain having getting hired and having a job.
What is a Job Developer?
A job developer is responsible for seeking out or creating jobs for potential candidates. These human resources professionals may work in the public sector, such as for a social service agency, or for private employers or hiring agencies.
The Job Developer is responsible for creating job opportunities for individuals who have difficulty marketing themselves to employers (Market Perception Barriers). Job Developers make a crucial link between the job seeker and the local business community.
ah, that makes sense. Thanks for teaching me something new today!
I loved the audio format and loved the music you used for the background. It was very grounding.
I asked this question of “why am I doing this” while listening to this audio and I loved my answers - to spend time for myself, to be inspired, to feel connected. Thank you for creating this space.
I really appreciate what you said about living in the present but not ignoring the past and planning for the future. I find that sometimes asking the question of “why” when I’m feeling unsatisfied is also helpful to reframe the past ie reflecting on something I do today that I feel no longer serves me and reminding myself why I did it in the first place makes me reframe towards gratitude rather than frustration and helps me move forward.
I loved the audio format too. And I usually prefer reading but this was introspective, peaceful, grounding ... almost like a meditation. And for someone who has a very hard time meditating - I loved this format. To the other comment that you can’t please everyone all the time, it’s true. At least there’s a choice. If you don’t like the audio, the written word is still there too. Best of both, and a nice addition every know and again. ❤️
Take this with many grains of salt and file under #cantpleaseeveryoneallthetime (also, not personal to you, Alli; it's just that reading it made me think of it): I hate the audio format and found the music distracting and unnecessary. I think it's also why I dislike most online course offerings — it's all videos and no reading. It drives me bonkers. Different strokes for different folks, shooby dooby dooby...
At the risk of talking to myself, I want to clarify this to be more constructive (again, directed as feedback to Chris): It's about editing, for me. Unedited audio and video is difficult for me to sit through. I get that it's supposed to feel like a natural conversation with a friend, but 99% of the time, it doesn't feel that way to me, probably because I'm a cooperative overlap kind of conversationalist. A book, for example, is highly edited, plus I can skim or skip or spend more time as my brain needs to. Speeding up audio/video is not the same as skimming for me; it just makes it harder to parse. I appreciated the bullet points and read those first. Then I listened to the audio and felt it subtracted rather than added to the experience. Obviously, many people feel differently! I just wanted to provide data from the other side of the spectrum of responses.
1. I am hoping that we can continue to help our kid feel safe and calm and that they can either access school or we can unschool in a way that will be relatively low-stress.
2. I can be present when I am working (teaching, writing, creating) or playing music (had a lovely rehearsal this week with a new free improv quartet). When things are difficult — and they have been this past year — and I have "down time," that's when it's harder to be present and easy to slip into fantasy land, what ifs, omg-this-is-a-total-shit-show, and so on.
3. I think I mentioned this already, but instead of why I often ask "How can I make this easier without sacrificing quality?" That usually helps cover other questions like, Do I really need this? (Why is this in here?), Is this really what people need from me? (Why am I putting this energy here?), Is this too complicated? (Why is this so involved?), Is anyone going to complain? (Why would people care?)
Enjoyed the audio no glitches - music could've been even softer, just a suggestion.
Thanks - we'll tweak as we go! I'll have another one in a couple weeks.
I loved the audio, it was beautiful! I found the music so soothing...I looked at the fall photo while listening. I thought about how I need to focus more on me this year and beyond. My life has been about other people...unfortunately toxic narcissistic people....it’s been a long road through childhood trauma and like the others mentioned therapy will be a next step along with moving away from a toxic situation. Since January 2023 I spent time learning about narcissism and toxic family systems...and it answered a lot of Why’s for me...why I second guessed myself, why I had trouble making decisions, why I felt confused, why I had no dreams or thought about my future as a child etc. I’m still learning about what happened to me and how I can recover and heal from it. If anyone else is in this type of situation Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teahan LCSW both on YouTube were very helpful. On another note....be present be mindful...I can do in short spurts...like listening to the sound of my footsteps while I’m out walking....I find in those moments there is incredible peace.
Love the audio format! As an entrepreneur with ADHD, I always appreciate an audio version over a written version of anything! I even use MS Edge to read webpages to me! 😄 I'm always doing something and when I have to choose between what I'm doing with reading, I always choose to do that thing before reading. And I often don't get time to go back to read whatever it was I postponed. Today I was doing some photo editing and simultaneously listened to this post of yours. It was quite soothing; nice music. 😌 Keep the audio posts coming! 👏🏼
Loved the content, but I wanted to note that I only read it and didn't listen. I have a strong preference for written content over audio, at least for a newsletter that I subscribed to thinking it would be written; if this is going to turn into a podcast instead, I'd rather have that separately (i.e., I subscribe to it in my podcast app) rather than getting an email about it.
So wonderful to hear your voice again buddy.
Perfect timing too. Last night at dinner I read a few paragraphs of the draft of chapter 2 of my "Dare to Escape" book project (which I'm writing in public here on Substack).
They asked me "what's the goal with this? Why are you doing it?"
My answer: "because the world is changing. It has changed, and people are going to need help navigating what it means to have a career. I feel that i can help. "
Then I proceeded to share an experience that I lived through in 2004, and judging by the emphatic reactions I hit a nerve. I'm on the right track.
Absolutely love this audio format Chris. It's a beautiful meditation for me to start my day today.