This reminds me of the story of the jar — putting the large stones of what truly matters in your jar first, and all the smaller stones of what’s less important after. Otherwise the jar gets full of the small pebbles, and the big stones of what truly matters won’t fit if you don’t put them in first.
I’m also aware that to TRULY organize one’s life around the big stones is a RADICAL act. Society has so many messages about what’s important, but what’s truly important to us is often weird, off the beaten path, and not at all in accordance with what society values.
So when I ask the question, “What really matters to me?“ my biggest problem is being able to listen to the answer and actualize it, against MASSIVE social brainwashing about what I SHOULD value.
Therefore, for me, it’s been incredibly valuable to do huge amounts of inner work to liberate myself from socially-injected beliefs. I think no matter what someone’s race, gender, neurodiversity, disability, age — we’re all constrained by social beliefs about how we SHOULD show up in the world. Undoing those beliefs is a great first step in creating a platform for the deep inner freedom that allows us to say “screw all that crap!“ and go do what we really want to do.
As a woman, I’ve undone the inner social pressure to believe I need to have children, or get married, or wear makeup, or shave my legs… and every time I let go of a socially-mandated activity I buy time to do what I want to do — which is more IFS on myself! I’m not saying that I think any of those activities are “wrong,“ they’re just wrong for me! What I’m saying is that when we let go of the things we think we should do, we buy time to do the things we really want to do, so taking out the small rocks can help us make space for the big stones of our deepest dreams and desires.
I often wonder how you manage to put out a post that suits me right at the moment, but then I realize that I'm in an anxiety-driven time in my life right now. You could say anything and it would fit! However, thank you for these last two months of posts. I'm learning, I'm pushing myself to think differently. I have a bad job at the moment and am a part time caregiver for 93 year old mother. Thinking about what matters to me is a hard one, but my stress level is begging for an answer!
This is such a good question to ask. It's the one that I asked myself as I started to accept that my depression wasn't something I could bully or shame myself out of, that the only way to deal with it in a way that would last and not actively harm me was to be kind and loving to myself.
When I asked that question, the answer that came up was time to sleep, time in nature and to let go of the todo list completely and accept that, for the time being, I am limited in my capacity to do, and that I need to remember to be.
It's been a revelation, and something I highly recommend!
The trivial many versus the vital few, the thing all people wrestle with. We're so stretched for endorphins and the like that we can't figure out what is important. All we know is that we want it now and we want everything.
I suppose what matters the most is space, a moment to breathe, silence. Let the void of the usual noise tell you where to go next.
After spending so long thinking I needed noise, constant stimulation and busyness, this Is exactly what I've been craving. I think we've lost sight of what matters, what humans are, and what we need, in this society so determined that we must consume and do all the damn time!
I love this idea. Recently, I've been cultivating a list of self-talk messages I can use when I'm feeling stressed or struggling with perfectionism or getting bogged down in what I think I should be doing - I've added this to my self-talk message Post-it notes. ❤️
It's been really helpful - sometimes I just run through the list to put myself in a good mental space for the day and other times I use whichever message I most need in the moment to deal with a specific stressor.
"It may also result in an answer that has nothing to do with what other people want from you."
This definitely struck a chord. Sometimes the guilt inherent with choosing something that's only for you is so strong, and my estimation of value and of productivity is completely dependent on not only if I'm doing enough, but if I'm doing enough for others. That can be to satisfy others' needs, or to satisfy my own need to appear productive / competent / helpful / brilliant / whatever in the eyes of others.
I think for many of us with hyperactive brains and the tendency to slip into anxiety-fueled spirals of overclocked multi-tasking, the external needs of others provides such an easy, convenient source of fuel. It's never-ending, it always provides a quick answer to "OK what next?" (or "what *else* can I do right now"). It doesn't require the uncomfortable action of pausing and reflecting. It's like a sugar rush.
I really loved this article, and hope to make this pause + questions a practice. Just recognizing how difficult that is for me, and maybe for others, and why we so often default to fueling our hyperactive brain with external needs, as a way to better understand how to combat that default.
I am feeling overwhelmed by how many of these substacks I've missed and how many are piling up for me to read and how am I ever going to squeeze them all in when there's all those other things that my mind is also telling me to read...
This is so helpful! Having ADHD, being an obliger and a having a huge amount of autonomy with my time I struggle hard to prioritize and get things done that align with my values and goals. I actually wrote this quote as a reoccurring task on my Todoist app. I am very good at getting things done for others but then often resent that I’m not doing things for me that are important. I feel like this is a lightbulb moment. 😍
Love this, and your visuals. I also wrote a couple of posts about finding what matters most recently. It’s so easy to get lost on autopilot and get overwhelmed if we don’t. Maybe there is something in the air at the moment. ✨
What matters to me at the moment: the issue of whether I should be more concerned about getting rid of an old fridge-freezer (defunct & occupying space in a hoarded apartment) or getting labels off 25 empty brown glass yeast extract jars, for sale by a charity shop, with labels welded to the glass by super-strength waterproof adhesive.
Until I can get more such small stuff out of my apartment, the big fridge-freezer cannot be moved.
But I am extremely reluctant to dump the jars in the recycling bin (as anyone with "rational" priorities would, and enjoy telling me so -- have just decided my "helper" is now an ex-helper), and the jars are not saleable with labels left on.
And having saved them up for years, I'm not willing to ditch my intentions in keeping them at all: even though it might come under a "sunk cost fallacy" argument that ONLY carrying out my original intention can justify having kept them at all.
As I'm not concerned with attempting to justify it! Only with the time & effort needed to get the damn labels off.
I've tried hot water (to heat the jars from inside to soften the adhesive) which sometimes works but mostly not, lighter fuel on scored labels (doesn't work), and olive oil (only works on sticky residues). I employ fingernails and a razor sharp scraper. Still the damn labels won't come off.
This hit right on what I've been struggling with the past almost 2 years. I became the primary caregiver to an elderly relative, and while on the one hand I accept this new priority in my life, and huge amount of changes that it has brought, I've been struggling with how to "rebuild" my life around this new normal. I'm lucky in that I was able to choose to "retire" from my business / work, and I'm good with that as well, so I'm also trying to integrate what my new priorities are for my life in retirement. Also being an ADHD-er, routines just don't happen for me, so I need to do whatever I can to limit decision fatigue and distraction (an almost impossible task some days.) As I'm writing this, I realize how big of a job this actually is so I should cut myself some slack! Damn - I'm getting something out of commenting on this, so I won't erase it! ;o)
I would like to collaborate with you. I am Elaine Parke, "Mental Nutrtionist." Our 12 monthly habits to nourish mental and emotional health are an organized and organic system for motivating positive social change. We have 9 university studies, since 1993, showing 2/3 of the people in 12 habits climates feel more cared about and connected to one another. Our website is www.12habits4allofus.org. Look forward to hearing back from you. Email, elaine_parke@yahoo.com
"Mental health" is a concept based on a medical model: that "mental" activity can be "healthy", ie functioning properly? or "normally"? -- which all begs enormous questions. First: is mental activity affected or defined by physiological states? Yes: but this area of knowledge is turning out to be so complex (add nutritional psychiatry and gut health to endocrinology and vagus nerve-mediated responses to trauma, and brain states observed by Functional MRI) that our idea of what constitutes "mental health" is undergoing rapid change. Or is it simply a state that doesn't (yet) qualify for inclusion in the DMS 5 as pathologically disturbed? So-called "spiritual" disciplines and traditions involving various forms of meditation and identified levels or modes of consciousness might have something to say about it too.
This reminds me of the story of the jar — putting the large stones of what truly matters in your jar first, and all the smaller stones of what’s less important after. Otherwise the jar gets full of the small pebbles, and the big stones of what truly matters won’t fit if you don’t put them in first.
I’m also aware that to TRULY organize one’s life around the big stones is a RADICAL act. Society has so many messages about what’s important, but what’s truly important to us is often weird, off the beaten path, and not at all in accordance with what society values.
So when I ask the question, “What really matters to me?“ my biggest problem is being able to listen to the answer and actualize it, against MASSIVE social brainwashing about what I SHOULD value.
Therefore, for me, it’s been incredibly valuable to do huge amounts of inner work to liberate myself from socially-injected beliefs. I think no matter what someone’s race, gender, neurodiversity, disability, age — we’re all constrained by social beliefs about how we SHOULD show up in the world. Undoing those beliefs is a great first step in creating a platform for the deep inner freedom that allows us to say “screw all that crap!“ and go do what we really want to do.
As a woman, I’ve undone the inner social pressure to believe I need to have children, or get married, or wear makeup, or shave my legs… and every time I let go of a socially-mandated activity I buy time to do what I want to do — which is more IFS on myself! I’m not saying that I think any of those activities are “wrong,“ they’re just wrong for me! What I’m saying is that when we let go of the things we think we should do, we buy time to do the things we really want to do, so taking out the small rocks can help us make space for the big stones of our deepest dreams and desires.
THIS! Couldn't agree more, Melissa.
Oh yes I forgot about that one with the stones.
I often wonder how you manage to put out a post that suits me right at the moment, but then I realize that I'm in an anxiety-driven time in my life right now. You could say anything and it would fit! However, thank you for these last two months of posts. I'm learning, I'm pushing myself to think differently. I have a bad job at the moment and am a part time caregiver for 93 year old mother. Thinking about what matters to me is a hard one, but my stress level is begging for an answer!
This is such a good question to ask. It's the one that I asked myself as I started to accept that my depression wasn't something I could bully or shame myself out of, that the only way to deal with it in a way that would last and not actively harm me was to be kind and loving to myself.
When I asked that question, the answer that came up was time to sleep, time in nature and to let go of the todo list completely and accept that, for the time being, I am limited in my capacity to do, and that I need to remember to be.
It's been a revelation, and something I highly recommend!
The trivial many versus the vital few, the thing all people wrestle with. We're so stretched for endorphins and the like that we can't figure out what is important. All we know is that we want it now and we want everything.
I suppose what matters the most is space, a moment to breathe, silence. Let the void of the usual noise tell you where to go next.
Space, a moment to breathe, silence.
After spending so long thinking I needed noise, constant stimulation and busyness, this Is exactly what I've been craving. I think we've lost sight of what matters, what humans are, and what we need, in this society so determined that we must consume and do all the damn time!
“The trivial many versus the vital few.” Thank you for that! That really speaks to me!
I love this idea. Recently, I've been cultivating a list of self-talk messages I can use when I'm feeling stressed or struggling with perfectionism or getting bogged down in what I think I should be doing - I've added this to my self-talk message Post-it notes. ❤️
That’s such a great idea, it’s so easy to get caught in negative thought spirals 💛
It's been really helpful - sometimes I just run through the list to put myself in a good mental space for the day and other times I use whichever message I most need in the moment to deal with a specific stressor.
"It may also result in an answer that has nothing to do with what other people want from you."
This definitely struck a chord. Sometimes the guilt inherent with choosing something that's only for you is so strong, and my estimation of value and of productivity is completely dependent on not only if I'm doing enough, but if I'm doing enough for others. That can be to satisfy others' needs, or to satisfy my own need to appear productive / competent / helpful / brilliant / whatever in the eyes of others.
I think for many of us with hyperactive brains and the tendency to slip into anxiety-fueled spirals of overclocked multi-tasking, the external needs of others provides such an easy, convenient source of fuel. It's never-ending, it always provides a quick answer to "OK what next?" (or "what *else* can I do right now"). It doesn't require the uncomfortable action of pausing and reflecting. It's like a sugar rush.
I really loved this article, and hope to make this pause + questions a practice. Just recognizing how difficult that is for me, and maybe for others, and why we so often default to fueling our hyperactive brain with external needs, as a way to better understand how to combat that default.
I love this, thank you!
I am feeling overwhelmed by how many of these substacks I've missed and how many are piling up for me to read and how am I ever going to squeeze them all in when there's all those other things that my mind is also telling me to read...
...also, I'm not really looking for advice here, I just wanted to make a comment and I wonder if anyone else feels similarly...?
This is so helpful! Having ADHD, being an obliger and a having a huge amount of autonomy with my time I struggle hard to prioritize and get things done that align with my values and goals. I actually wrote this quote as a reoccurring task on my Todoist app. I am very good at getting things done for others but then often resent that I’m not doing things for me that are important. I feel like this is a lightbulb moment. 😍
Love this, and your visuals. I also wrote a couple of posts about finding what matters most recently. It’s so easy to get lost on autopilot and get overwhelmed if we don’t. Maybe there is something in the air at the moment. ✨
What a great question!
What matters to me at the moment: the issue of whether I should be more concerned about getting rid of an old fridge-freezer (defunct & occupying space in a hoarded apartment) or getting labels off 25 empty brown glass yeast extract jars, for sale by a charity shop, with labels welded to the glass by super-strength waterproof adhesive.
Until I can get more such small stuff out of my apartment, the big fridge-freezer cannot be moved.
But I am extremely reluctant to dump the jars in the recycling bin (as anyone with "rational" priorities would, and enjoy telling me so -- have just decided my "helper" is now an ex-helper), and the jars are not saleable with labels left on.
And having saved them up for years, I'm not willing to ditch my intentions in keeping them at all: even though it might come under a "sunk cost fallacy" argument that ONLY carrying out my original intention can justify having kept them at all.
As I'm not concerned with attempting to justify it! Only with the time & effort needed to get the damn labels off.
I've tried hot water (to heat the jars from inside to soften the adhesive) which sometimes works but mostly not, lighter fuel on scored labels (doesn't work), and olive oil (only works on sticky residues). I employ fingernails and a razor sharp scraper. Still the damn labels won't come off.
Anyone got any better ideas?
A heat gun may work, but like all the other options, it will be time- and labor-intensive.
Thanks for your suggestion! I've got one somewhere on my tool shelves
This hit right on what I've been struggling with the past almost 2 years. I became the primary caregiver to an elderly relative, and while on the one hand I accept this new priority in my life, and huge amount of changes that it has brought, I've been struggling with how to "rebuild" my life around this new normal. I'm lucky in that I was able to choose to "retire" from my business / work, and I'm good with that as well, so I'm also trying to integrate what my new priorities are for my life in retirement. Also being an ADHD-er, routines just don't happen for me, so I need to do whatever I can to limit decision fatigue and distraction (an almost impossible task some days.) As I'm writing this, I realize how big of a job this actually is so I should cut myself some slack! Damn - I'm getting something out of commenting on this, so I won't erase it! ;o)
I would like to collaborate with you. I am Elaine Parke, "Mental Nutrtionist." Our 12 monthly habits to nourish mental and emotional health are an organized and organic system for motivating positive social change. We have 9 university studies, since 1993, showing 2/3 of the people in 12 habits climates feel more cared about and connected to one another. Our website is www.12habits4allofus.org. Look forward to hearing back from you. Email, elaine_parke@yahoo.com
Two questions rolled into one. What is mental health, and what is it not?
"Mental health" is a concept based on a medical model: that "mental" activity can be "healthy", ie functioning properly? or "normally"? -- which all begs enormous questions. First: is mental activity affected or defined by physiological states? Yes: but this area of knowledge is turning out to be so complex (add nutritional psychiatry and gut health to endocrinology and vagus nerve-mediated responses to trauma, and brain states observed by Functional MRI) that our idea of what constitutes "mental health" is undergoing rapid change. Or is it simply a state that doesn't (yet) qualify for inclusion in the DMS 5 as pathologically disturbed? So-called "spiritual" disciplines and traditions involving various forms of meditation and identified levels or modes of consciousness might have something to say about it too.
PS I meant DSM 5, but cannot edit my comment