55 years married in May (known each other for 59) I read (and took) this column today quite personally. This aging Religion and Philosophy Major (undergrad) thought “Kierkegaard? Then I read on. (Graduate education took me up and down other roads.) I sit in my back garden on a Sunday afternoon with quiet tears running down my eyes. My husband is on a Zoom meeting with a client. (Only semi-retired. But he loves his avocation, and I am happy that at least it is his only business distraction.) As one of your fans, I thank you. As a Hag who is between 75 and 100, I always appreciate your erudition and experience. Today I experienced both happy tears and renewed curiosity. I went to our library and got my volumes of Either/Or — in English, eschewing the German which an arrogant Prof made us read. (I was annoyed, Søren was Danish.) I have a happy excuse to stay out in the garden and read. Once again, thank you. (“Haggitude:Reimagining the Second Half of Life” by Sharon Blackie and “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” by Margareta Magnusson. These are two of my current favorites where I stole my “label” and my age range statement. At my age, neither book is morbid — in fact they’re delightful and useful.)
I confess I spent a few dark years during a period of burnout as a wedding photographer (I thought it would be less stressful than either Hollywood or politics... 🤔) and had to feign interest in a lot of "father of the _____" speeches. This one should replace all of them and simply become The Thing that one reads in that situation.
Many felicitations to your son and his new partner. 🎆
As a Musician / Entertainer I did my share of wedding gigs over the years. None were that enjoyable ,but - it was a job so ...
It was always interesting & quite revealing of the couple (& their families). You could always suss out the ones you figured would last & the ones that were already dead on the day of the "Big" event. So many times I wondered "why are you folks getting married ... WHY " ? Especially as from the stage you could kinda see the whole picture. There were 1 or 2 I worked at where the Groom's behavior was simply unbelievable (of course, more outlandish as the booze & Drugs flowed freely). They were literally cheating on their new wives less than an hour after the ceremony. Don't get me wrong - I saw wives do the same thing occasionally.
I can only speak from a man's perspective ,but despite seeing (or doing) about every behavior you can think of - I always wondered , why - Why are you married ? Why are you with this woman ,whom you treat or speak of SO terribly & disrespectfully when you are away from her or when you are boasting to your Male group of "friends". The things I have heard guys say about their spouses would just blow my mind. And, once I again I would wonder ... Why ? Someone once asked me why I got married (the 1st time). I basically chuckled & answered - "Because I was drunk". I just couldn't think of any other reason. My 2cnd marriage was 35 years. The only thing that has changed that is my wonderful wife passed away 2 1/2 years ago. I will always consider myself still married. I even still wear the ring. Could this change ? Maybe, but I doubt it.
So - no real reason for any of my comments here other than to ask so many times ...
My condolences. It was the most stressful gig I ever had , as my friends tried to warn me when I thought it would be "all about being with people on their happiest day." Yeah, no... weddings bring out the worst in people, as I know you know.
Plus watching young couples go into massive debt just for a Pinterest wedding that they thought they had to have to prove something was heartbreaking.
Beautiful. Just lost my partner of 22 years. So glad I was there for her during her final journey. And feeling grateful and blessed that we got to share so much together.
A wonderful reading and, more importantly, your son sought it out. A good presage for a meaningful marriage.
I wonder what your brother Dana read at the wedding. His poetry is so wonderful. At my son's wedding two year's ago after some remarks I finished by reciting Richard Wilbur's magnificent poem he wrote for his son's wedding:
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way." That passage from Kierkegaard was a real comfort when I was single, but I've never regretted marrying. Then again, I've not yet experienced the loss that might yet come from loving someone so deeply as a mere mortal in a fragile world.
Congratulations to your son and family! I often see older people cry at weddings wondering if they are thinking, “do they know what they’re getting themselves into”?! Married nearly 20 years now, and Kierkegaard is right: “Marry, and you will regret it; don't marry, you will also regret it; marry or don't marry, you will regret it either way.”
We are social beings meant to connect in relationships just like neural pathways or grapes on the vine. I dare anyone to tell me something harder than being truly vulnerable with another. Iron sharpens iron…ride out the existential crises. Every rough patch is followed by a deep sense of gratitude that one didn’t have to endure it alone. Many blessings on their journey✨🙏
Good wishes to your son and his wife. Your family is expanding!
For my second wedding, twenty years ago, I sang my "vows", such as they were. Being a guitarist and singer, it felt appropriate. I sang "The Nearness of You" and "In My life", and then Harry Chapin's "Circle", where the entire wedding crowd (it was smallish) joined hands in a circle.
This July, my son will be married and I was asked if I would like to speak. I said sure, and have been contemplating what I might say. I've thought of reading something - a poem, perhaps; perhaps "Dance Me To The End Of Love" by Leonard Cohen? I won't sing anything, as this is not about me, but my son and his bride. I hadn't thought of any of the philosophers, but your choice was wonderfully apt.
I've always wondered if people who want Dance Me To The End of Love (a gorgeous song, btw, couldn't agree more on that!) at their wedding know it was written about the bands that played the Jews to the gas chambers at the death camps in WWII... 🤔
Gwen, you've made me think a lot about this poem's meaning, and also read what Leonard Cohen had to say about. It's true, that the inspiration of the song was his knowledge of the musicians who played as victims went to their deaths in the camps.. He also went on to say that while the words are about the end of life, "it is the same language that we use for surrender to the beloved, so that the song — it’s not important that anybody knows the genesis of it, because if the language comes from that passionate resource, it will be able to embrace all passionate activity."
Although I may not read that poem at my son's wedding, I did give them a book of Leonard's poems soon after they became engaged, and encouraged them to read Dance Me To The End Of Love. To me, it describes the power of love to help one through the many ups and downs of two becoming one in the life they live together.
I don't know if you're familiar with it, but there's a book called Leonard Cohen on Leonard Cohen. It's a book of his most substantive interviews. And it's well worth reading. If you're interested in anything about him. I just finished it and it earned a permanent place on my bookshelf for itself.
(My wife and I just celebrated 33 years of marriage last week. I read this aloud to her and had some trouble with the last sentence myself. She seemed not to mind in the least. ;-)
55 years married in May (known each other for 59) I read (and took) this column today quite personally. This aging Religion and Philosophy Major (undergrad) thought “Kierkegaard? Then I read on. (Graduate education took me up and down other roads.) I sit in my back garden on a Sunday afternoon with quiet tears running down my eyes. My husband is on a Zoom meeting with a client. (Only semi-retired. But he loves his avocation, and I am happy that at least it is his only business distraction.) As one of your fans, I thank you. As a Hag who is between 75 and 100, I always appreciate your erudition and experience. Today I experienced both happy tears and renewed curiosity. I went to our library and got my volumes of Either/Or — in English, eschewing the German which an arrogant Prof made us read. (I was annoyed, Søren was Danish.) I have a happy excuse to stay out in the garden and read. Once again, thank you. (“Haggitude:Reimagining the Second Half of Life” by Sharon Blackie and “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” by Margareta Magnusson. These are two of my current favorites where I stole my “label” and my age range statement. At my age, neither book is morbid — in fact they’re delightful and useful.)
I confess I spent a few dark years during a period of burnout as a wedding photographer (I thought it would be less stressful than either Hollywood or politics... 🤔) and had to feign interest in a lot of "father of the _____" speeches. This one should replace all of them and simply become The Thing that one reads in that situation.
Many felicitations to your son and his new partner. 🎆
I spent many years as I wedding bartender. Easier than a photographer (although I’m sure we both suffered from YMCA overload PTSD)
As a Musician / Entertainer I did my share of wedding gigs over the years. None were that enjoyable ,but - it was a job so ...
It was always interesting & quite revealing of the couple (& their families). You could always suss out the ones you figured would last & the ones that were already dead on the day of the "Big" event. So many times I wondered "why are you folks getting married ... WHY " ? Especially as from the stage you could kinda see the whole picture. There were 1 or 2 I worked at where the Groom's behavior was simply unbelievable (of course, more outlandish as the booze & Drugs flowed freely). They were literally cheating on their new wives less than an hour after the ceremony. Don't get me wrong - I saw wives do the same thing occasionally.
I can only speak from a man's perspective ,but despite seeing (or doing) about every behavior you can think of - I always wondered , why - Why are you married ? Why are you with this woman ,whom you treat or speak of SO terribly & disrespectfully when you are away from her or when you are boasting to your Male group of "friends". The things I have heard guys say about their spouses would just blow my mind. And, once I again I would wonder ... Why ? Someone once asked me why I got married (the 1st time). I basically chuckled & answered - "Because I was drunk". I just couldn't think of any other reason. My 2cnd marriage was 35 years. The only thing that has changed that is my wonderful wife passed away 2 1/2 years ago. I will always consider myself still married. I even still wear the ring. Could this change ? Maybe, but I doubt it.
So - no real reason for any of my comments here other than to ask so many times ...
Why ?
My condolences. It was the most stressful gig I ever had , as my friends tried to warn me when I thought it would be "all about being with people on their happiest day." Yeah, no... weddings bring out the worst in people, as I know you know.
Plus watching young couples go into massive debt just for a Pinterest wedding that they thought they had to have to prove something was heartbreaking.
PS If I NEVER again hear "Put a Ring On It" or whatever the f*ck that song is called, it'll be too soon.
So Shania Twain is OK?
Her first two albums are fab. 😎 (the first being the one with Dance with the One That Brought You on it)
Lol, yeah it’s a bit of an unwitting sacrifice. Fun for the audience though. Open bar and cynical photographers and bartenders to chat with…
I wish I could remember having time to chat with anyone, cynical or otherwise. That would have made it a lot more fun.
Easier with the bartender than the photographer
Yeah I clearly picked the wrong gig on that one on many levels.
Beautiful. Just lost my partner of 22 years. So glad I was there for her during her final journey. And feeling grateful and blessed that we got to share so much together.
So sorry for your loss.
Dear Ted:
A wonderful reading and, more importantly, your son sought it out. A good presage for a meaningful marriage.
I wonder what your brother Dana read at the wedding. His poetry is so wonderful. At my son's wedding two year's ago after some remarks I finished by reciting Richard Wilbur's magnificent poem he wrote for his son's wedding:
St. John tells how, at Cana’s wedding feast,
The water-pots poured wine in such amount
That by his sober count
There were a hundred gallons at the least.
It made no earthly sense, unless to show
How whatsoever love elects to bless
Brims to a sweet excess
That can without depletion overflow.
Which is to say that what love sees is true;
That this world’s fullness is not made but found.
Life hungers to abound
And pour its plenty out for such as you.
Now, if your loves will lend an ear to mine,
I toast you both, good son and dear new daughter.
May you not lack for water,
And may that water smack of Cana’s wine.
So did I...for my daughter's wedding 12 years ago.
"...the most beautiful association..."
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way." That passage from Kierkegaard was a real comfort when I was single, but I've never regretted marrying. Then again, I've not yet experienced the loss that might yet come from loving someone so deeply as a mere mortal in a fragile world.
Congratulations to your son and family! I often see older people cry at weddings wondering if they are thinking, “do they know what they’re getting themselves into”?! Married nearly 20 years now, and Kierkegaard is right: “Marry, and you will regret it; don't marry, you will also regret it; marry or don't marry, you will regret it either way.”
We are social beings meant to connect in relationships just like neural pathways or grapes on the vine. I dare anyone to tell me something harder than being truly vulnerable with another. Iron sharpens iron…ride out the existential crises. Every rough patch is followed by a deep sense of gratitude that one didn’t have to endure it alone. Many blessings on their journey✨🙏
Absolutely stunning. This is the magnificence of Spirit we long for, as writers and as lovers... that the last words are even sweeter than the first.
You could not have picked a better passage, Mr. Gioia. This warmed my heart to read.
Thanks for sharing! Mazel tov
Good wishes to your son and his wife. Your family is expanding!
For my second wedding, twenty years ago, I sang my "vows", such as they were. Being a guitarist and singer, it felt appropriate. I sang "The Nearness of You" and "In My life", and then Harry Chapin's "Circle", where the entire wedding crowd (it was smallish) joined hands in a circle.
This July, my son will be married and I was asked if I would like to speak. I said sure, and have been contemplating what I might say. I've thought of reading something - a poem, perhaps; perhaps "Dance Me To The End Of Love" by Leonard Cohen? I won't sing anything, as this is not about me, but my son and his bride. I hadn't thought of any of the philosophers, but your choice was wonderfully apt.
Now I will ponder further.
I've always wondered if people who want Dance Me To The End of Love (a gorgeous song, btw, couldn't agree more on that!) at their wedding know it was written about the bands that played the Jews to the gas chambers at the death camps in WWII... 🤔
Gwen, you've made me think a lot about this poem's meaning, and also read what Leonard Cohen had to say about. It's true, that the inspiration of the song was his knowledge of the musicians who played as victims went to their deaths in the camps.. He also went on to say that while the words are about the end of life, "it is the same language that we use for surrender to the beloved, so that the song — it’s not important that anybody knows the genesis of it, because if the language comes from that passionate resource, it will be able to embrace all passionate activity."
Although I may not read that poem at my son's wedding, I did give them a book of Leonard's poems soon after they became engaged, and encouraged them to read Dance Me To The End Of Love. To me, it describes the power of love to help one through the many ups and downs of two becoming one in the life they live together.
I don't know if you're familiar with it, but there's a book called Leonard Cohen on Leonard Cohen. It's a book of his most substantive interviews. And it's well worth reading. If you're interested in anything about him. I just finished it and it earned a permanent place on my bookshelf for itself.
Thanks! Yes, I have a copy.
Thanks for sharing.
I had no choice but to reading until the end and find out what this passage was haha. A mystery that leads to a happy ending. We need more of that.
A long and happy life to the newlyweds.
That was a well-chosen text. Thank you, Ted, and congratulations to your son!
It’s not imminent though I now know what I will read at my daughter’s wedding. Thank you Ted 🙏❤️ And congrats to your son and new in-law 🥰
Yep. Save that bit of paper.
And thank you for sharing it with us.
(My wife and I just celebrated 33 years of marriage last week. I read this aloud to her and had some trouble with the last sentence myself. She seemed not to mind in the least. ;-)
Thank you for sharing this - it's beautiful. And dammit, all human things are problematic; that's what makes them human.
I pray your son has a marriage as long and as blessed as mine (38 years in a couple more weeks).