Two and a half years ago I called a new therapist and left the message that I wanted to stop being caretaker to the world. I have worked hard on learning why I felt responsible for everyone's pain and need, including world leaders. At the venerable age of 80 I am discovering what it is like to identify what I am actually responsible for and what impact I can realistically have. I am learning freedom.
Chris, thank you. A very thought-provoking article. I took care of my husband after her was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer after 43 years of marriage. Enormous stress, lack of support, etc. Feelings of rage and terror when I drove him anywhere as he gave strangers the finger and yelled at me for driving the speed limit or stopping for a pedestrian. I was fortunate to have a good therapist who helped me understand his need for control, as he had no control over his illness. Much more to this story: I wrote about it in my latest post on Writer, interrupted (“Twist and Shout, I Told My Dying Husband”) and got a huge response. I don’t think I was brave, as people keep telling me. I would do it all over again, but hope I never have to.
#1 A therapist once told me to stay out of other people's heads, that my own is a better place to be. I still need to remind myself of this from time to time. Boundaries are important.
Love this. One question though (I guess I have a blind spot here): What is wrong with expecting reciprocity? I want to be taken care of as a caretaker myself.
Can you walk this out further in another post and distinguish between caretaker and caregiver? Like Mary Roblyn, I figured out how to be a caregiver when my husband needed intensive, 24/7 care after in the 42nd year of our marriage. Nobody trained me and it was a really steep learning curve, with no time for delays or excuses. I had lots of experience with decision making and running companies. Caregiver is a bigger, harder job than CEO and all decisions are life and death. Can you address any of that Chris? Giver vs taker?
Interesting point—don’t giver and taker imply two opposites but place “care” before each word and the job is the same, no? Or maybe caretaker is gatekeeper of say a garden and a caregiver is a nurse-like person?
Nice - very affirming to see that I've come a long way. Past me might have resonated with all of that. Present me is proud of past me for doing so much work to get where I am today. I'm still caring for others, but well in balance with myself.
There is a huge difference between taking care or caring for someone and co- dependency… thin fine red line.
When the care taker is forced or decides to neglect themselves it becomes an imbalance and that is never a good thing… sometimes we don’t have a choice ( caring for a dying family member ) but it’s not a long term solution.
One hand washes the other, if not, both will end up dirty.
This is spot on. As a child, I was never told that I didn’t take to take care of adults. Then, while navigating childhood trauma realized that I then tried to be hyper aware of everyone’s needs but ultimately to keep them happy instead of actually tend to what they needed. Caregiving comes second nature to me but then also can be a blind spot to when I can find people that actually need my help and not just “need” me to use me.
Thought-provoking (as are most of your posts). Numbers 3 and 4 gave me pause. Realize that I also have needs and use some of my caregiving skills on myself.
I just wrote 2 posts (not published yet) - the first one called, “But, who’s taking care of ME?” and the second one, “The toll of being a mid-level caregiver”.
My husband has a number of chronic health issues, not the least of which is clinical depression. As his health deteriorates due to severe arthritis, I’m looking around at all of the things that are going to land on my plate - he hasn’t admitted it yet, but most of them are already beyond him physically.
Our adult daughter was recently diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. After a bilateral mastectomy, she’s now undergoing chemo and targeted therapy. She lives at home, and I’m driving her to her weekly chemo appointments.
Neither of them requires 24-hour intensive care, which is why I refer to myself as a mid-level caregiver, but knowing that it’s very long-term can make it daunting and exhausting.
I don’t begrudge either my husband or my daughter the care I’m giving them, I’m honored and grateful to be able to do so - but I could easily become that empty well that no longer produces water.
The main answer to “Who’s taking care of me?” is - me! I need to learn to accept support, whether from friends (a kind word on Facebook can go a long way to comforting someone), or from my boss giving me time off when I need a mental health break. Taking care of everyone and everything is my default setting - but my family’s health issues are highlighting the need for self-care, now and in the future.
This was really good! One of my best friends is the ultimate care taker to everyone. I truly believe this will be helpful to so many that take on this role.
Wow, what a fantastic article! Thank you for highlighting the role of caring as its often invisible and assumed. It's good to have a bit of distance and intentionality to think about my "care portfolio" moving forward!
Your post resonated with me so much. For most part of my life, I thought I had a duty to take care of others. I would not pay attention to my feelings, because I thought I was fulfilling my duties. But this lead to me feeling low for a very long time, and I was not realising that this was one of the contributing factor. I would make assumptions of what people wanted, do those things, but in the end would not acknowledged. But now I know that I was making assumptions about their needs and putting unnecessary expectations on them. Now, I started saying to my loved ones that I am there, but you will need to explicitly tell me what you need from me. I will not play the guessing game anymore. Just this small change, has helped my mental space. I am still there for my people, but in a very different way.
Caretaking has never been a collaborative process for me. I will say I grew as a person when I did selfless caretaking but expecting much or anything in return is folly. I used to think relationships were like a bank account—I made consistent endless deposits, expecting that someday I would make a withdrawal. People are far more complex. If you give, you are labeled as giver and will never cross the room to become taker. No matter how needy a person is, start out collaborating and ask for tiny things you don’t necessarily need to test the waters. You may be surprised to learn that those who want but don’t necessarily need caretaking are not caregivers in any way, shape or form. Wish I was telling this story as a sage 30-something but I’m twice that number. Live n learn.
Two and a half years ago I called a new therapist and left the message that I wanted to stop being caretaker to the world. I have worked hard on learning why I felt responsible for everyone's pain and need, including world leaders. At the venerable age of 80 I am discovering what it is like to identify what I am actually responsible for and what impact I can realistically have. I am learning freedom.
Chris, thank you. A very thought-provoking article. I took care of my husband after her was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer after 43 years of marriage. Enormous stress, lack of support, etc. Feelings of rage and terror when I drove him anywhere as he gave strangers the finger and yelled at me for driving the speed limit or stopping for a pedestrian. I was fortunate to have a good therapist who helped me understand his need for control, as he had no control over his illness. Much more to this story: I wrote about it in my latest post on Writer, interrupted (“Twist and Shout, I Told My Dying Husband”) and got a huge response. I don’t think I was brave, as people keep telling me. I would do it all over again, but hope I never have to.
#1 A therapist once told me to stay out of other people's heads, that my own is a better place to be. I still need to remind myself of this from time to time. Boundaries are important.
Love this. One question though (I guess I have a blind spot here): What is wrong with expecting reciprocity? I want to be taken care of as a caretaker myself.
I agree, Svenja. I believe that mutual care is part of the social contract, and a very human need.
Can you walk this out further in another post and distinguish between caretaker and caregiver? Like Mary Roblyn, I figured out how to be a caregiver when my husband needed intensive, 24/7 care after in the 42nd year of our marriage. Nobody trained me and it was a really steep learning curve, with no time for delays or excuses. I had lots of experience with decision making and running companies. Caregiver is a bigger, harder job than CEO and all decisions are life and death. Can you address any of that Chris? Giver vs taker?
Interesting point—don’t giver and taker imply two opposites but place “care” before each word and the job is the same, no? Or maybe caretaker is gatekeeper of say a garden and a caregiver is a nurse-like person?
First you get the job and then you figure out out how to do it. Once said a wise mother to her daughter newly pregnant.🤰
Nice - very affirming to see that I've come a long way. Past me might have resonated with all of that. Present me is proud of past me for doing so much work to get where I am today. I'm still caring for others, but well in balance with myself.
There is a huge difference between taking care or caring for someone and co- dependency… thin fine red line.
When the care taker is forced or decides to neglect themselves it becomes an imbalance and that is never a good thing… sometimes we don’t have a choice ( caring for a dying family member ) but it’s not a long term solution.
One hand washes the other, if not, both will end up dirty.
This is spot on. As a child, I was never told that I didn’t take to take care of adults. Then, while navigating childhood trauma realized that I then tried to be hyper aware of everyone’s needs but ultimately to keep them happy instead of actually tend to what they needed. Caregiving comes second nature to me but then also can be a blind spot to when I can find people that actually need my help and not just “need” me to use me.
Excellent!
Thought-provoking (as are most of your posts). Numbers 3 and 4 gave me pause. Realize that I also have needs and use some of my caregiving skills on myself.
I just wrote 2 posts (not published yet) - the first one called, “But, who’s taking care of ME?” and the second one, “The toll of being a mid-level caregiver”.
My husband has a number of chronic health issues, not the least of which is clinical depression. As his health deteriorates due to severe arthritis, I’m looking around at all of the things that are going to land on my plate - he hasn’t admitted it yet, but most of them are already beyond him physically.
Our adult daughter was recently diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. After a bilateral mastectomy, she’s now undergoing chemo and targeted therapy. She lives at home, and I’m driving her to her weekly chemo appointments.
Neither of them requires 24-hour intensive care, which is why I refer to myself as a mid-level caregiver, but knowing that it’s very long-term can make it daunting and exhausting.
I don’t begrudge either my husband or my daughter the care I’m giving them, I’m honored and grateful to be able to do so - but I could easily become that empty well that no longer produces water.
The main answer to “Who’s taking care of me?” is - me! I need to learn to accept support, whether from friends (a kind word on Facebook can go a long way to comforting someone), or from my boss giving me time off when I need a mental health break. Taking care of everyone and everything is my default setting - but my family’s health issues are highlighting the need for self-care, now and in the future.
Spot on article!
This was really good! One of my best friends is the ultimate care taker to everyone. I truly believe this will be helpful to so many that take on this role.
Wow, what a fantastic article! Thank you for highlighting the role of caring as its often invisible and assumed. It's good to have a bit of distance and intentionality to think about my "care portfolio" moving forward!
Your post resonated with me so much. For most part of my life, I thought I had a duty to take care of others. I would not pay attention to my feelings, because I thought I was fulfilling my duties. But this lead to me feeling low for a very long time, and I was not realising that this was one of the contributing factor. I would make assumptions of what people wanted, do those things, but in the end would not acknowledged. But now I know that I was making assumptions about their needs and putting unnecessary expectations on them. Now, I started saying to my loved ones that I am there, but you will need to explicitly tell me what you need from me. I will not play the guessing game anymore. Just this small change, has helped my mental space. I am still there for my people, but in a very different way.
Thank you. The post resonated with me. I'm better than I was and still have work to do in this area.
Caretaking has never been a collaborative process for me. I will say I grew as a person when I did selfless caretaking but expecting much or anything in return is folly. I used to think relationships were like a bank account—I made consistent endless deposits, expecting that someday I would make a withdrawal. People are far more complex. If you give, you are labeled as giver and will never cross the room to become taker. No matter how needy a person is, start out collaborating and ask for tiny things you don’t necessarily need to test the waters. You may be surprised to learn that those who want but don’t necessarily need caretaking are not caregivers in any way, shape or form. Wish I was telling this story as a sage 30-something but I’m twice that number. Live n learn.