DWP declares Sir Michael Caine fit for work at 90
The work shy layabout has been ordered to cancel his retirement
You might have heard the disgraceful news that 90-year-old actor Sir Michael Caine attempted to retire yesterday, presumably so he could pursue a life on benefits at the expense of the British tax payer. Thankfully, the DWP was having none of it and they declared him fit for work within one hour of his resignation.
The DWP ordered Sir Michael to immediately begin a job search and complete his online diary at the end of each day, otherwise he will face sanctions. He will be expected to keep his smartphone fully charged so the JobCentre can call him and demand to know why he has not found work. He will be banned from owning a flat screen TV and a smartphone.
A DWP spokesperson explained:
“Sir Michael Caine never did any real work anyway. He is an actor. Even if he is struggling to walk, he could take a role where he plays someone in a wheelchair or perhaps someone who is bed-ridden.
“If that doesn’t take his fancy, he could take one of those other jobs that don’t require real work, like a call centre role or something in politics. It’s not fair on British tax payers that ninety-year-olds laze around and do nothing all day. If Sir Michael wants to do that, we could put him into a retirement home and steal his savings so his family won’t get an inheritance.
“It’s worth remembering Sir Michael is from a working class background and this is what we do to all working class people. It serves him right for keeping his cockney accent.”
Personally, I couldn’t agree more. It’s about time the DWP stood up to these shirkers who do nothing with their lives but take, take, take. I mean just look at how Sir Michael has wasted the past 73 years of his life. Since taking his first film role in 1950, he has acted in 160 films, performing iconic roles in The Italian Job, Alfie, and Get Carter, as well as appearing in Hollywood blockbusters like The Dark Knight trilogy, Children of Men and Interstellar, and in all that time, he has won a measly two Oscars. Just two!
Apparently, Sir Michael thinks this makes him entitled to not work. Who does he think he is? A millennial?
I’m told Sir Michael, who recently faked having Covid, actually thought he could waste his time writing books, which would be almost as degrading as painting pictures. I mean he could be working as a lollipop man or a security guard or he could retrain in cyber, whatever that means. Clearly, there are options, but Sir Michael has offered this pathetic excuse for his laziness:
“I’m rich and I’ve put enough money to one side to pay for my own retirement several times over so none of this makes any sense!”
Thankfully, the DWP spokesperson was having none of it and explained:
“Pipe down old man, none of our rules make sense! We introduced fit-for-work tests for disabled people that cost more to administer than they save, but we do them anyway out of pure, unadulterated spite. This is to send an important message to the public that no second of your life is to be enjoyed and you can never step off the money-making machine, unless you have a genuine excuse like you’re in a coma. If you don’t work, you’re no use to anyone.”
Sadly, this means Sir Michael will have to get on with his job search, whether he likes it or not. However, in a gesture of goodwill, the JobCentre has helped him arrange an interview at his local Tesco Extra, and if all goes well, he can start on the tills next Monday. Fingers crossed.
This is all part of the government’s initiative to make retirement a criminal offence for anyone who retains a working class accent. This initiative came into being as other ideas such as workhouses and forced euthanasia were scrapped due to concerns they could upset the woke mob. It is understood the clampdown on unauthorised resignations will save £147 a year, none of which will be passed onto the taxpayer x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
Oh flip, don’t let the government read this, you’ll give em ideas. Fantastically funny 👏
Oh, I always try to read your pieces, but your sense of snarky humor goes straight over my American head. Although it's clearly satire, the context is entirely lost on me. Sir Michael Caine is a lovely person whom I met many many decades ago, so I hope the Department of Water and Power can cut him some slack and not force him back to the grindstone. Bless that dear man.