This past weekend, I stood at the top of a double black run covered in moguls — the steepest pitch on the mountain. I’d never skied this run before, nor did I want to (especially not on a zero-visibility day), but Mr. Ski insisted I step out of my comfort zone. Terrified, I set off down the slope.
Two turns and the fear took over. My form went to shit; all my bad habits came into play. No matter how much I willed myself to move, I was frozen in place, aside from my racing heart. Don’t fall! Don’t die! But the only way off the mountain was down it, so I inched ahead until the pitch eased and I regained my form.
When we finally reached the bottom, on the advice of my heart, which screamed, "get back out there!," rather than stop, we took another run. This time, I skied with abandon. Like life, everything else seems easy once you conquer the scary stuff. After that, I knew I could do (and ski) anything, a feeling that has stayed with me.
Later, from the safety of my living room, a girlfriend announced over the phone that everyone's breaking up. “Well, actually, they’re not, but they should be.” she affirmed.
"That’s a little dark doncha think?" I teased.
"Bear with me. I’m talking about girlfriends that are in toxic relationships but stay in them because it feels safer than being out there alone," she clarified. "Everyone is acting like they have so much time to waste. Or perhaps, as I say it out loud, it’s the opposite. Perhaps they feel they’re out of time, so they're settling. Either way, it’s a total fucking waste."
I once read that fear is among the most powerful of all emotions and can overcome even the strongest parts of our intelligence. A persuasive temptress, fear can convince you that the mountain is a death trap and that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. The biggest mistake we make is allowing that fear to take over in thinking we have time. Time to love people later. Time to face the scary things later. But unfortunately, we don’t. Time is a limited asset, and if you’re holding onto something that isn’t for you out of fear of being alone or continuing to invest in a dead-end relationship, you're missing out on a chance to find what IS meant for you.
This may resonate: "One day," or "I'll leave when I meet someone else," or "better to be with someone than to be alone," stories I've heard countless times before. I get it.
But, I've yet to meet a woman who looks back five years later and thinks, "I should have stayed in that unhappy relationship." Not one. However, when faced with this decision, it's hard not to see anything other than the potential for loneliness. The potential for never finding your person. The potential for never getting to be a mother. Truths I'm attuned to and feelings that are valid. Even for me, I wanted love more than anything, yet I knew I'd prefer to be alone than be unhappy.
For that reason, when friends are going through it, I give it to them straight. Rather than tell them they will meet their person immediately, I say they will be happier. All the mental energy regained once free from a struggling relationship can be used toward creative endeavors, new careers, old friendships, and lifelong dreams. I also say it will be hard for a while. They may be lonely. They might hate dating. And they might not get to be a mother. But mostly, they will not regret leaving someone who makes them feel small.
Of course, this requires a willingness to put yourself out there, take risks, be vulnerable, and flirt more. It’s a state of mind that's both daunting and expansive, where failure begets success. “The paradox an even split,” as Madonna would say.
To "get back out there" is the human condition. How often do we urge our friends to "get back out there" after a breakup? Or start interviewing for a new job when their current one is at a standstill. The same goes when someone falls off a horse or down the mountain while skiing. I'm often asked over DM: When will I be ready to get back out there? The answer is always: Now.
Though, as someone in my 40s, it sometimes feels like risks in love, work, or friendship get scarier and more consequential with age. “Don’t be absurd; you’re too old. You have too much to lose,” the fear insists, causing me to wonder: are the great risks of my life behind me? And is the desire to put myself out there waning? I hope not. I just hope they have more to do with my career from here on out.
Almost seven years ago, I took a massive risk and left the comfort of my life. Despite being married and a mom, I’d stagnated and needed to radically change. Navigating this time was impossible. I let everyone down. My form went to shit, and all my bad habits (this time in dating) came into play. I was the worst version of myself. Existing from within a desperate inner spiral, I feared never finding love again, yet still, I felt as if I was failing forward.
The following years included a terrible array of choices. I pursued every flicker of passion. I learned. I grew. I persisted. Everything from the marriage, the divorce, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the countless uncomfortable first dates, and even some of my more questionable behaviors are all inextricable from the success of my life and my current healthy love. Looking back, I celebrate that girl in her thirties who took risks. That girl who taught me how to put myself out there. That girl who taught me how to be present and vulnerable. I wouldn’t trade her or that decade for the world.
Last week, before the moguls on the mountain, I attended a panel called But First, Sex. Contrary to the name, the panel wasn’t really about sex, nor was it a “how-to” seminar or a suggestion for how to have more of it. There were no demonstrations and not many graphic descriptions — only a few funny stories. Instead, the conversation focused on feminine energy, putting yourself out there, and vulnerability — all things very much on my mind.
Hosted by three badass women: Lisa Odenweller, a single mom of 3 and the founder of Kroma; Emily Morse of Sex With Emily; and Kate McLeod, the founder of The Body Stone and the wife of the founder and CEO of Hinge (safe to say she has the inside scoop on dating). The panelists touted vulnerability as a superpower in dating, sex, and life – noting that it’s the key to connection. Additionally, Kate insisted that putting your entirely weird self on your dating profile is the way to finding a compatible match. Lastly, they said doing more of what lights you up makes you infinitely more attractive. That’s your soul whispering to you — listen and lean in.
And almost as if she knew the topic of my newsletter (perhaps she did; she’s Madonna), the following night, Madonna urged us to turn on our lights and share with one another. She said that we'll survive as long as we know how to love. Her words resonated deeply.
Ultimately, being out there means something different for everyone. Today, I define being out there as anything calling you to go beyond your comfort zone. Whether deciding to leave an unfulfilling relationship, braving a first date, starting a business, or getting a new job, our “out there” changes throughout our lives.
Therefore, if your current_______ (fill in the blank: job, home, relationship, friends, you name it) does not spark joy in you, then it's not for you. If your partner doesn't make you feel like a goddess, make space for someone who does. If your relationship needs a shake-up, get out there together. If you're single and not clicking with anyone you're dating, lean into yourself and what lights you up because that's attractive. Or, if your job doesn't inspire you, spend all your downtime investing in what does. Lean into the people and the projects that feel like sunshine; it's where magic and growth happen.
Someone once said, "Emotionally vulnerable people will always find a way to connect." So, go for it. Take risks. End what's not serving you. Make space for what is. And while you're at it, try that double black run - it turns out they are fun and make you more of a badass at apres.
Yesss!
Gosh, yes, it really does feel like fear is the most strongly programmed force in my psyche. But all of life - expansion, growth, joy, adventure - sits on the other side of it 😊