Congratulations on your decision to upgrade from a cuddly Child to a prickly Pre-Teen! If you don’t remember making this decision, that’s because your Child has been recalled, and we are sending you this mandatory upgrade free of charge.
Don’t forget to register your Pre-Teen to access maintenance tips, video demos, and a 24/7 scream hotline designed to help you vent your frustrations. In the meantime, please take a few moments to read this manual and get acquainted with your Pre-Teen to ensure the best performance.
Be advised: Results may vary.
Assembling Your Pre-Teen
Your Pre-Teen is fully assembled, but some parts may appear to be malfunctioning. This is normal. A Pre-Teen is not designed to be fully functional. Though a full wardrobe is included with your Pre-Teen, items in it will frequently disappear, develop mysterious stains, or be found wadded up in the back of the closet reeking of mildew.
Programming your Pre-Teen
Your Pre-Teen has two settings: HOT and COLD. Pre-Teen guardians are unable to control which mode may be activated at any given time. Signs that your Pre-Teen is in COLD mode include frequent eye-rolling, sensitivity to human touch, and a proclivity to recline on couches or beds while staring listlessly at the ceiling.
Signs that your Pre-Teen is in HOT mode include dramatic gestures, exasperated groans, and excessive references to things and people “sucking.” Your Pre-Teen may toggle between HOT and COLD modes multiple times in the course of a single hour. If your Pre-Teen gets stuck in HOT mode, they are at high risk of entering the DANGER ZONE. (See Important Safety Instructions below.) Proceed with caution.
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