I'm happy my husband has gone away
Why? Because separateness is necessary if you want desire (and also I can watch what I want on TV)
There have been quite a few newcomers to Womaning Wisely recently. A very warm welcome to you all! I find new subscribers the most exciting thing - I love the sense of connecting with interesting and interested people. For those who are new(ish), I’m conscious that the topics I delve into each week are somewhat random. I always hone in on something that’s whirling in my head anyway because I think this makes for better writing. If you are hoping for a logical week-to-week progression, I apologise. Welcome to my brain. If you are happy to be surprised and go with the flow, let’s dive on in….
Deri has gone away for four days. His absence makes the logistics this end more challenging. We will be relying on my parents to help out, which annoys me because his don’t. And I’m sure I’ll notice the impact of having to field all of the discussions on which fire-type Pokémon in the Galar Region is most legendary.
But overall, I’m feeling very positive. I seem to get more done in his absence. I don’t get irritated about how he’s spending his time or if he’s not - in my opinion - pulling his weight (I’ve heard this sentiment from single parents. There’s less resentment because there’s no one to direct it towards. You just crack on). I’m looking forward to not having to talk to anyone in the evenings - sometimes it’s an effort to find the energy to enquire after his day or well-being. I can watch, or not watch, whatever I want on TV. I can eat and drink what and when I fancy with no compromise or influence. And I can sleep in a star shape and not have him wake me up because he needs a wee. This, in particular, makes me happy.
It’s perhaps starting to sound like I don’t want him back. I do! In fact, his absence always increases my desire for him. I guess there is something in the old adage ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. But why is that? Is it more than the simple benefit of a temporary respite from cohabitation?
I think yes. And to understand why we should turn to Esther Perel and her excellent book, Mating in Captivity.
The challenge with modern marriage
Our expectations of a romantic relationship have never been greater. Marriage used to be heavily influenced by economic and social considerations with an acceptance that love, desire, and eroticism were likely sought elsewhere. Today, we want one person to give us security, stability, and predictability whilst also providing spontaneity, novelty, and adventure. This is a paradox. We are now asking one person to give us what several once did. And often, it’s not working out for us.
Esther Perel started asking questions about why desire is so often lost in long-term relationships. Why does loving connection not always equate to passion? How can we reconcile our fundamental need for both security and adventure within the confines of monogamy?
Fire cannot exist without air
The answer, Esther says, lies in creating an appropriate amount of separateness. Space to move, so you can dance well together. The room for push and pull. Some air to fan the fire.
People were asked to consider when they find themselves most drawn to their partner, and the replies were universally consistent.
So the first group is, I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite…absence and longing is a major component of desire.
Then the second group is even more interesting. I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is on stage, when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about, when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court. Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident. Probably the biggest turn-on across the board1.
What underlies this, is the enchantment of seeing your partner as a separate ‘other’. And this magic is most powerful when we observe them in the middle distance. If there’s too much space for too long, desire will flounder. If they are always too close, the fire is snuffed out. The need for separateness and togetherness must be in balance.
Growing your love up
In The Art of Loving (1956) Erich Fromm describes too much togetherness as a symbiotic relationship. He suggests this is an immature form of love, more akin to that of child and parent. This type of relationship has since been called a ‘fusing’ or ‘enmeshment’. When it happens, partners surrender something of their own personality or desires to become a dual, blended being. They may feel unsure whether an opinion really belongs to them, or find it hard to express their feelings if they don’t fit with the shared narrative. This immature love may sound like, ‘I just feel my partner is a part of me’ or, ‘I don’t know who I’d be without them’. This is not #couplegoals.
Mature love requires each person to retain their individual self whilst creating a union together. Accepting your partner as separate entity to you, with their own desires, motivations, and opinions, requires some vulnerability. For inherent in the idea that they are separate, is the understanding that they exist outside of your control. This also demands that you acknowledge some of their emotional needs may be filled in some other place by some other person. Depending on your attachment type, that could be tough. But maybe the old proverbs serve us well again: ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours.’
Investing in your own individuality and separateness
If you buy into the theory of separateness being necessary for desire, it follows that you should consider how well you are expressing your individuality within your relationship. Do you have hobbies and friends that are yours alone? Do you pursue and talk about your passions? Do you take time away from your partnership with the idea of letting in some air to fan the fire?
One of the things I gained from exploring Esther’s work was the impetus to invest in my separateness. Suddenly, spending time on my passions or going away with my friends took on a greater meaning. It wasn’t just a question of me wanting to do these things, it was necessary to help keep my relationship alive.
I love this perspective. Much like I reframed my need for self-care (read here about keeping your battery topped up), this way of looking at it stops me seeing ‘investment in me’ as a purely selfish endeavour.
And it’s also a big reason why I’m happy my husband is away. It so happens he is staffing a New Warrior Training Adventure weekend for the ManKind Project. It’s a world that is completely closed to me, and it’s one of his passions. I can imagine his energy there because I’ve seen how he talks about it. I can imagine his competence there because I’ve seen him at work. And all of that fuels a lot more desire than him waking me up in the night because he needs a wee.
Want to learn more?
Join my Esther Perel fan club! She’s got a lot of interesting thoughts to share. You’ve got 2 options; the TED talk and the book. Both linked below…
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
by Esther Perel2
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
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