Oh my.
How are you doing? How is your heart. The past few weeks have been really fucking heartbreaking haven’t they? To watch in real-time what is unfolding in Gaza and Isreal has been exposure to a level of unimaginable pain and trauma. It feels disgusting to be watching protracted genocide unfold right in front of our eyes; having seen this occupational process over eight decades. I really hope you’re learning, reading, watching, being critically engaged. Rejecting antisemitism, rejecting islamophobia and engaging critically with context. I also hope you’re tapping out when you recognise you’re becoming less useful than you need to be, and returning to witness and be active when you know you actually can, while being useful and effective for what the movement needs. I saw this tweet the other day by Ashtin Berry and it hit me hard because I saw past me in it for sure:
I am going to be talking about this tweet very soon on my subscribers channel of instagram and I hope you’ll join me there. I’ll be discussing my journey with political rigour versus exhaustive centreing, which is what I used to do when I started in this work. Being a subscriber costs £2.79 and you can sign up by clicking “Subscribe” on my Instagram profile. There’ll be at least two commentary videos per month!
Changing gears to the much less important stuff, It’s almost Halloween. Halloween is my favourite holiday of the year, and I don’t have an outfit. I am becoming increasingly devastated at my own lack of effort. Who am I? How dare I, actually??? Who am I not putting effort into my favourite thing. I always want to be someone that sticks to joy even when stuff gets busy and hard, and this is not good for that goal. I have booked in a couple of Halloweeny events but the costume needs to be a 10. Here’s some previous outfits from the past. This year I’m thinking a sort of emo, pin-up devil. But who knows if I’ll have the time.
In terms of life, this month has been a little more positive than the previous three for me personally, because there’s the beginnings of some semblance of belonging I’m feeling which is just palpable through the feelings of uncertainty. It’s strange to move somewhere that’s so familiar and yet feel so unmoored. That’s what it’s been like since I got here a year go. Though there have been lots of lovely, happy, joyful moments, and still the importance of moving here still the truth, the once the novelty of being in a new country wore off after a year and suddenly there was a sense of: hang on, is this it? I live in a city I don’t know and have to start life over with no community? How do I make that happen? I hadn’t found a community of people who think like me. Plus, this was happening alongside big transition in my work and after a few years of struggle. But recently, I have spent more time connecting with people Jordy and I met in Budapest who live, or are from, here and that’s helped. I don’t create friendships through nightlife or partying. For me, bonding happens when you’re sitting quietly opposite someone at lunch or at the park, listening to them talk honestly about their life. It happens on dog walks, chatting about our relationships, the world and our fears. I don’t really know how to bond with someone unless it’s in a slow, honest way. Rae, who we met in Budapest, is a brilliantly bright, courageous and generous American woman who works in a huge charity org. She’s effervescent and self-aware and brilliantly awake to the world, I just love her so much: she’s exactly my type of person. Charlie her partner is kind, hyper-intelligent and lovely too and we’ve been spending more time together. Chloe and Sarah are two Aussie sisters that Jordy was close with and who he adores, and they are beautiful; honest, gentle, silly and kind. Including Sarah’s partner who seems like the sweetest man. Over lunch last week he recounted how he went into a Savers (a big charity shop chain here) and took some shoes he wanted to buy over to the counter, the server asked if he wanted a bag and he, for no reason heard himself saying “no thanks I’ll eat them here” in response. I couldn’t stop laughing when he recounted the story with incredulity at his own weirdness, and this week I keep laughing everytime I remember it. I’ve also recently started going to reformer pilates (what the fuck why didn’t any of you guys tell me that shit is SO FUN!) with a new friend who’s lovely, and its really nice to have a buddy in trying to keep our heads looked after. I’ve always had friends of all genders, and it’s important to me that I do. I especially need women around me who I have affinity and shared experience with, and that seems to be slowly slotting into place.
This month Ben, my friend from London visited, too. Me him and Jordy stayed up until 1am drinking bottles of wine talking about all sorts of stupid stuff and deep stuff. Ben was trying to understand why I consistently give myself to people without holding boundaries well. He is so not like that. I began to recount a story to Ben that explains somewhat why I am how I am now. I’d realised this in therapy recently. I was crying telling it and at one point I looked across at Ben who was sitting on the floor opposite to me listening intently, tears rolling down his face. I looked next to me and Jordy was staring with at me with so much love, holding my hands and stroking them. I look back at that moment and realise that there are some people you just feel you can be your real, sad self with, and that shit is golden.
In other building-a-new-life news, I’ve started a new job (you guys on the paid level were HYPING ME UP when I shared. Thank you so so much oh my days 🥹). In the UK a couple of years ago I had a card reading with my friend Laila of Pink Moon Fortunes and the Tower card was pulled for me. It signified a shift, it was also about clearing away what no longer serves you so that you can rebuild something sturdier and more aligned, and specifically signified to me being held in a tower separated from people. I have felt like that since the law change, I started this work on the ground and I felt uncomfortable being put on a pedestal after that campaign. I wanted to be back on the ground, not dining out on the changes I had made; turning collective work into self-ascension. I realised pretty quick that I could absolutely spend the rest of my life building a brand and persona for myself using the movement, or I could spend the rest of my life building for the movement. I want the latter always. That’s why last week beginning my new job as a facilitator of gender equality workshops across Australian schools means so much to me. I don’t ever want to get caught up narrating the wrongs for praise. I want to be part of changing them on an individual level. But don’t worry, you’ll still get my writing, my socials and bigger public projects too. It’s just that 3 days a week I’ll be committed to facilitating, too. I see it as a top down, bottom up approach: impact culture through big platforms, make change to people’s lives through grassroots gender work. Here’s the sloppy note I made back in 2021!
I am training at the moment. On Monday I minimally assisted a workshop and next week I’ll do the same. Then, over the coming weeks I’ll be handed increasing responsibility until I am holding 3 days of workshops on my own per week. This work isn’t something I’ve created or I own – something people constantly ask me if I’m doing – no, of course not. I am working for an organisation and i’m so happy being part of a collective again. They are such a great bunch of people. People are out here doing amazing work and often I feel like we have to ask ourselves: am I building or owning something because I want to own something or because there is actually a legitimate gap to fill? I’d never be ready to own my own thing organisation-wise, and if I did, it would only be because I saw an opportunity to fill a very specific need.
Connecting with all these people who could occupy different parts of my heart and life means it feels like I am becoming part of a network, a community, and most importantly that I am contributing. I need to contribute to be happy. That’s something I’ve learnt about myself and something I am not, and will never, be willing to compromise on. It’s partly why the consideration of kids feels every trickier, but fuck me let’s not get into that here… maybe that’s a paid post kinda thing.
Thought Of The Month
Interdependence v codependence is an important distinction. In a hyper-individualistic, hyper-capitalist society, feminism ideals of managing on your own, being only accountable to yourself are a fallacy. And actually not that good for us at all.
Recommendation Station
Okay, look. I’m sure you’re all already listening but Matt Bernstein’s podcast A Little Bit Fruity is a great, accessible way to dive into events, cultural wars that are shaping the political landscape. It’s well made, the guests are great and Matt is knowledgeable but also acts as a great proxy for our own curiosity. I learn a lot about @libsoftiktok this week, something I knew nothing about which shows how social media is being weaponised as essentially digital-terrorism. You can listen to it here.
Hope this month is spooky in the right ways, and that you’re doing okay.
G x
This was a lovely read, Gina, thank you <3