Get yourself a treat, I just turned 30! :)
Alhamdullilah, I made it. My twenties were full of a range of emotions and experiences, for that I’m thankful. But in all honestly I spent most of the past 10 years in anguish and I coped by burying myself deeper into myself. I find myself here today, after a two years of dedicated excavating, at peace. I don’t want to hide anymore, I’m honored to be me.
Obviously, I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. Desi culture posits that as an unmarried woman in her thirties, I should seriously consider the fact that my life, as I’d like it to be, is over. The time for self-exploration has expired and I’ve turned sour. I should let the shame bend me into proper formation. With all due respect, I have already genuinely felt that my life was over many times. In one diary entry from my early twenties, “A floating speck of wasted potential. Whatever I dreamed my life could be now feels dimmer. I can’t let go of the belief that everything will certainly happen to everyone else rather than me. I’m angry at god and I’m ashamed of that anger.” Even with persistently loving and patient people around me, there are some holes only you can dig yourself out of. It’s like what Lorde said, “Everybody wants the best for ya, but you’ve gotta want it for yourself.” Towards the end of the decade, I started to recognize that I was stuck in a cycle spiraling downward. A counter-narrative started to form: a Notes app entry titled “Do i deserve a good life?>” concludes, “Hating on yourself or convincing yourself you deserve a good life, either way is exhausting. ANd even if both are a delusions. Might as well pick the one that actually pays off.”
I felt stuck in my twenties because I thought I had run out of chances to a life I wanted, I like to think of these chances as “entry points”. There are traditional entry points like pursuing education, getting a new job, moving to a new city, or starting a relationship. These are usually encouraged by societal norms/pressure and timelines. It’s clearer to separate your life before and after entering them. Getting through these entry points can give a sense of comfort that life is “settling” down. But breaking from tradition and not getting through them, whether by choice or not, can feel like life is stalled.
Did I miss the dancing lesson? Is that the reason I am the only one who doesn’t know the steps?
(I saw this quote on a tumblr-esque tiktok slideshow set to Phoebe Bridgers, can’t find the original author but it haunts me lol)
After taking the time to understand and work through my feelings of being stuck, a big learning I bring into my thirties is that life is much richer and more ripe with entry points than I previously believed. I see now that there are inconspicuous moments all around and in every day to change your life, feel deeper, or start again.
Some moments for me have been: dying my hair, giving a stranger a compliment and letting the conversation lead where it may (yapping), getting coffee with people I just met, daydreaming, showing up to a parties where I only know one person, being vulnerable with people, lingering in the entryway just to talk to someone longer (yapping vol 2), finally watching an old movie that’s been on my list, experimenting with what I want my signature soup to be, dying my hair again (pink) and again (blue) and again (red), sending “I saw this and thought of you” messages, starting a new book, going snowboarding for the first time, discovering a new artist, going to more concerts, apologizing to my friends and siblings, going on a solo vacation, asking people out platonically and romantically (varied results), being there for the people even when it’s uncomfortable, standing my ground with my parents, putting intention in every outfit even if it’s just to walk to get a bagel, reading at different parks, getting new bed sheets, trying to teach myself guitar, bringing a new plant home, sending a handwritten card, calling my old friends, saying yes to new things, praying, praying, praying. Basically anything we do, I guess.
In order to treat mundane life activities as entry points, I’ve learned the importance of understanding myself so I’m well-equipped, being fully present so I don’t miss the moment, and getting comfortable with uncertainty because I’ll never know for sure how things will fall into place. The sensation kind of feels like I’m facing my fears, little and big, all the time. I get a bit anxious, then I ask myself, “Are you nervous or are you excited?” And there’s no wrong answer.
My therapist is going on leave for a few months. I’ve been seeing her every week for about 85 weeks. Our last session before taking a break happened to be the day before my birthday. In the last 10 minutes of our session, I asked her if she had any parting words for me. She responded exactly how I expected and turned the question back to me to answer for myself. Then she indulged me a little. She told me that my curiosity and desire to be better, for myself and towards others, is intangible and unique. Honestly, that just made me feel really validated and I wanted to record that somewhere.
Today, I’m content. Sometimes, even excited. And firmly grateful. I have a lot of work to do. But also, I have abandoned long held beliefs that held me back. I’m working on viewing myself through a loving and forgiving lens, rather than a critical one. I don’t want a self-confidence rooted in arrogance or hyper-individualism. I also don’t really need to be the funniest, prettiest, coolest, chillest, or whatever-ist person in the room anymore. I’d like confidence to feel like a warm renewable source of serenity, certainty, and humility that I generate from my soul (makes sense to me lol) so I feel comfortable as myself in any environment. I just want to be me and I want as much room and nuance as possible to experiment with who I am. I’ve been carrying Hua Hsu’s reflection from his memoir Stay True, “friendship is about the willingness to know rather than being known.” I’ve felt how a strong sense of self can make me a more loving and engaged friend. While I want as much room and nuance as possible to explore myself, I want to offer that space to others. I want live in friendship and learn from everyone as much as possible.
Maybe life’s more like an experiment rather than an exam; a dance floor rather than a march. I guess what I’m saying in a long-winded way is that how can my life be over, when it’s always just getting started?
Thanks for reading. I love hearing your thoughts, whether they’re in a comment below, a private message, or just a “like”. If you’d like to share this post, please do. I’m trying to let the world in a little more.
I hope to write more here. I think my last few letters follow a theme of self-growth, I’m afraid it’s sometimes repetitive. So I hope to also write about other things and learn to express other parts of myself that are not as emo lol. Here’s to being more experimental and becoming a better writer.
Happy new year!
Rabee